Richard,

It is a little difficult trying to do a "Firebox critique" on poetry that like this where you seem to be (especially by your du fu reference") trying to write in the style of the Chinese poets of the very early centuries. Are you interested in that style of poetry?

"Children blithely rush through wind and rain.
The rustling rain hastens the early cold,
And geese with wet wings find high flying hard.
This autumn we've had no glimpse of the white sun,
When will the mud and dirt become dry earth?"
  ... from "Sighs of Autumn Rain"  du fu written about 754

You actually had me pulling out a poetry book I read at least twice a year, "Sunflower Splendor" (a very exhaustive collection of Chinese poetry spanning about 500 years (and over 600 pages).  As I read some, I think I see how you are trying to capture that mood.

"Grass tree know spring soon return
Every way red purple contend beauty
Poplar flower elm seeds without beauty
Only know overflow sky make snow fly  The plants all know that spring will soon return,
All kinds of red and purple contend in beauty.
The poplar blossom and elm seeds are not beautiful,
They can only fill the sky with flight like snow. "
... "Late Spring" by Han Yu (764-835)

AS nas mentioned, to the contemporary reader, some of your imagery and message can "feel" disjointed even though we DO get a clear picture of what the subject of the poem is going through.

I enjoyed it more on the 3rd and 4th read ... and I think that's a good sign that I was feeling the mood better with each read.

I am sure I did not give you much help to workshop this  but at least I am trying to provide you with feedback.

Norm

Hi R C James

The first verse sets a good image but then the poem jumps from what seems to be the outside with the rush of the waterfall, to the spare room. Then the third verse shifts again to his exile and I found it hard to connect them all.  It feels like maybe you tried to put too much in and for anyone who doesn't know the story you based this on, it's confusing.