Hey Cyn,
I'm back.
Cyn wrote on Oct 10
th, 2010 at 12:18am:
Tim
LOL yes. It is up at the Sphere, can't get any tougher than that.
Is it? I don't see it there; but it doesn't matter, I prefer to talk here---stopping home for a short visit.
To Sleep Quote:I dared to close my eyes to sleep, to catch
a dream or two that brought him to my side,
---I'm torn by this opening. To sleep in L1, returned directly to "I slept, I slept" at this piece's conclusion is a nice echo, so to speak. However,
the title gives me what I need to know, while the 'to sleep' in the first line seems to dilute the whole opening. It may read more ominous if the line gave us... I dared to close my eyes, to catch... 'that brought' in S1L2 is a tad archaic in requirement, but the whole nauseating thematical dance seems to be offset by the IP's dance. Like carnival music in horror movies. Quote:still healthy, strong, a rope of muscled calf
against my own. Not long ago, his bride
---strong and muscled are synonymous, no? Muscled calf is the stronger choice. Still healthy rope of muscled calf would be the more conversational take on that line; but this is IP, so I'll say that strong needs a substitute.
I really like the repetition of two/to giving emphasis on the latter to soften what would normally look like an inversion.
Catch/calf don't work for me. Everything is so obvious in near and complete rhyme that I don't see the justification for this stretch.
Quote:of years, I found a tumor in my breast.
He told me I could never die. I lived.
I lived and then was given this dark test
of love. To wish him dead, to mourn, to give
him up before he’s gone, to stay awake,
to stay awake. I watched his belly grow
---the repetition of 'to stay awake' sets up the concluding line I remarked about in the outset of this crit, but all these commas
and infinitives and not a real sentence, but a list. Maybe "of love" should be succeeded by a colon, instead of a period? Quote:and grow; I watched his strong legs wither, take
the form of brittle sticks. His breaths would go
and come and go, the feathered wings of death.
I slept, I slept. I missed that sighing breath.
---I know what the template is in this poem, but in all fairness: I slept, I slept may slide for some. I'm going to call it, indicating the need for a semi-colon. Again, the choice of strong rhyme and and steady IP with almost all monosyllabic words with a sprinkling of two syllables
gives this shakespearean sonnet a strange twist. Methinks, the purpose of not rhyming a-a was to throw the reader off the scent? I'd have to read what far more capable poets would say about that, for I am not one.
I can see some saying: awake/take and death/breate are too unoriginal. This poet would say that this is mixing styles into one form. In fairness, I read this three times before I saw the whole as a sonnet and not just meter. I needed the tune up, thanks.
Ultimately, the anachronistc juxtaposition of style over the theme of love and the dying defies the modernistic notion of metre deceptively crafted to reproduce conversational tone, while still condensing imagery whereever it can be introduced successfully (mom says: that's my whole week's allowance in this one sentence. I will have to stick to wording that mimics this poem until Friday). I am a big believer of risk and this poem does it. I still think some tweaking is required, but this free-verser thinks it's nigh-compleat. Well done!
Namasté,
~Tim
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To Sleep (Read 383 times)
