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Well, hello attentive.
With all due respect, I don't think you've lived up to your name within this thread...unless I'm missing something here; and since I've been missing here, I'll give something of credit to that thought.
This is the Firebox....you've been warned by nas.
This poem has bits, for this reader that are wonderful. The opening stanza reads more like the writer's entry, not the reader's; and yet, that very last line is something good, that while it heads into a totally different direction, may yield fruits of its own; "...imperceptibly a collective", um yes.
For all its brooding, the poem really begins with stanza two with the introduction to the bear. It was important to me that the narrator was in a cabin, nor did I need the relationship of human-to-nature spoonfed to me; the contrast and comparison of the bear to the speaker serves that up nicely, leaving room for me to insert my own experineces between the lines. In fact, if the narrator (or N, if you will) were in a cabin, the line in S2 begs the question why doesn't s/he have a fire in the cabin. Sure some cabins, esp. rented ones, don't all come with fire places, but that line lives me wondering about the actual place where the N is residing, instead of his relationship to the bear.
Quietly lingering in the darkness,
a bear stalks his prey, ---um, not crazy about lingering and stalks in the same sentence. Both verbs are strong, but seem to be working against each other.
moon high, glistening. ---ah, "moon-high", consider the hyphen, and consider this a thumbs up for such an original phrasing. Splendid.
Consciously the man hacks,
longing to feel the warmth of fire
encircled around his whole composure.
Like the bear,
he too wishes dread
upon the lesser creatures;
He, too, is fighting for survival ---the semi-colon of L3 implies that "he" in this line should not be capitalized.
in the twilight realm.
Not affection from the unworthy.
Off in the distance,
a great mumble. ---mumble? With the very next line, I wanted rumble to be there; and that can be a fine thing, denying the expected creates memorable moments, but great and mumble seem almost oxymoronic. I can buy that element. Why a mumble?
Nature has no digestive system,
no stomach to gain sickness, ---love this line, very subtle in its meanings. Strongly builds upon the image of the narrator and why he is reflecting upon the bear.
nor skull beneath its leaves. ---invocative use of this image, more thumbing upwards. If the last line wasn't clear enough, this line spells it out with solid showing.
Yet at the sight before nature ---I've read this line a number of times and kind not quite grasp what it's saying to me.
a thunderbolt claps, startles its senses, ---here the antecedent is suppose to be the bear, but it is tenuous at best, since the subject switch has become nature for the last three stanzas. Consider using the proper noun instead, intimacy is lost when the reader has to stop to guess the pronoun's interp. Even better, just leave startles alone, it could do so much more by itself.
leaves a resounding human applause
for what we named the food chain. ---here, we should be we've
Some trimming and tying up this current version would yield a leaner monster for readers. I'm still guessing a little about this poem, but so far I think this is travelling to the right berry paths, just be careful of the bee nests, the honeyed modifications aren't always worth it. Grin.
Good luck,
~Tim
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Lush with Life (Read 164 times)
