Quote:Withered, hope
dwindles, as silver fades
tarnished as memories,
disengaged, <<-- delete "as" and say perhaps:
silver tarnishes,
memories disengage
much like the delicate picture <<-- should it be "like a delicate picture"?
chill frost paints,
sinks from sight
with the season change
to pass as rivulets
the path tears steer
down a face,
where love and hate
linger,
much closer
than the fine line,
supposed to exist
between them,
as the severed layer of wedding cake,
the uppermost tier
frozen,
as time,
barely recognizable
several
years later,
the tiny figure,
of a bride
tipped sideways
beneath a flower arbor
eyes closed, veil askew,
a despondency
disguised by the veneer
of contentment,
the toss and tinkle of crystal
shimmers a symphony
raised as champagne glasses
sparkle much as a projectile
of lightning
shot as a shock,
speeding prisms of light
spray in an arc as rainbows,
a union once handsome
with promise
the hollow groom,
toppled face down,
mortally stricken,
hell-bent, <<-- a bit cliched and mortally stricken seems over-dramatic
the sizzle of dozens of droplets
smash against a wall,
splashing with the impact of whispers, <<-- too many conflicting sounds - sizzle, smash, splash and all of them at odds with whispers
shame endures, austere and cruel
wounds more sharply,
glaring as truth--
as the blare of sirens, warn an approach,
a flood of whirling lights
arrived too late,
a painful
reminder
as the tell-tale signs,
revealing a secret nearness,
caught
as the warmth
inside, a faraway look
the upward curve,
of a smile,
reserved,
the knowledge,
current company
excluded,
a shock that erases
and kills,
certain as the spread
of bright red saturating the carpet,
the same garish shade,
of lipstick,
unlike
my own
You use some great. fresh metaphors but I feel that sometimes you overdo it, like underlining a word again and again and it loses any impact the first metaphor might have. Also you overuse the word "as" - I counted 21 times