Page Index Toggle Pages: 1 Send TopicPrint
Normal Topic ***    love lost-- (Read 258 times)
peach
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Supreme Member
*****
Offline


I Love Cafe Poetica!

Posts: 1511
Joined: Apr 21st, 2009
Re:  **  love lost--
Reply #4 - Nov 18th, 2011 at 7:38am
Print Post  
Reworked again!
  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
nas
Supreme Member
*****
Offline


I love YaBB 1G - SP1!

Posts: 9444
Joined: Sep 11th, 2006
Re: love lost
Reply #3 - May 10th, 2009 at 5:52pm
Print Post  
Hi Peach

I wonder about personalising more and also breaking it up into verses so it's easier on the eye.

A few more thoughts for you to consider:

Quote:
No way to appease the heart
that is broken
the agitated brain finds
it impossible to rest  <<the fact that your brain is agitated means it can't rest so not sure you need both.  Maybe "my brain can't rest"
memories, resurface, like the bloated remains
of something drowned, painful and sickening
in their total disintegration, no matter how perfect
before they were found 

petty remarks rake across the mind, screeching
like fingernails pulled through .....the preamble
of  to prolonged, petulant silences
that hang like a shroud  <<I like the silences hanging like a shroud
relived, cannot conjure sleep
well meaning reassurance
of brighter days,
deliver only darker nights
the sight of another
in my place
sets anguish to a clamor
incessant head banging review  <<not sure I understand this and wonder if it's needed
with no tool to suppress it
I do not imagine this gash
to heal
Resigned that the wound
will remain fresh  <<this and the previous image of the gash say pretty much the same thing.
lamentations to persist
caught in the ear
clinging to the spirit
and everything that
has happened
will fester and infect
root and spread
until one day the void
of longing
will be filled by death  <<nice ending
  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
peach
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Supreme Member
*****
Offline


I Love Cafe Poetica!

Posts: 1511
Joined: Apr 21st, 2009
Re: love lost
Reply #2 - May 10th, 2009 at 6:07am
Print Post  
SID--I started writing this in the post which I should not have done, theerfore it is a work, that I will be reworking ..thanks ---I did enter some images, take a look and I will happily review any feedback!
« Last Edit: May 10th, 2009 at 6:08am by peach »  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Sidney
Full Member
***
Offline


Music/Art/Life

Posts: 151
Location: Tempe, Arizona
Joined: Aug 1st, 2008
Re: love lost
Reply #1 - May 9th, 2009 at 10:41pm
Print Post  
a very melancholy piece!  I rather enjoyed: 

'well meaning reassurance
of brighter days,
deliver only darker nights'

and 

'root and spread
until one day the void
of longing
will be filled by death'


I think you could improve this piece is by adding imagery.  Most of the statements here are just that and dont necessarily conjure up any image.  Perhaps show the reader what you mean by lamentations persisting or petty remarks and long silences.  Using images/metaphors to 'explain' would make this more powerful for me.

thanks for sharing
  
Back to top
GTalkAIM  
IP Logged
 
peach
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Supreme Member
*****
Offline


I Love Cafe Poetica!

Posts: 1511
Joined: Apr 21st, 2009
***    love lost--
May 9th, 2009 at 11:46am
Print Post  
A litany of transgressions erupt, 
resound with regret,
like crows that gather bleak and black, 
ugly grows uglier in a troubled soul, 
just as a slow simmer leads to a boil,
fired metal, scars, 
scrutiny magnifies every 
offense, every sight and sound,
every slight, real or imagined
grows ten times its size. 

No way to appease a broken heart
the split shatters, spitting shock waves
into the air-
well-meaning reassurances
that slip down and fall through the cracks, 
each day dissolving into a darker night, 
where silence hangs like a shroud.

Even the most heartfelt, good intentions
provide less and less comfort
the agitated brain finding it impossible to rest,  
sorrow spreading its roots through and through
until one day the void of longing, becomes so great
it kills.
« Last Edit: Nov 20th, 2011 at 6:59pm by peach »  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1
Send TopicPrint