Hello Peach.

I will not address the technical aspects of your poem because some have been dealt with already. It is the overall structure I will limit my comments to.

To me there is something missing in this piece. It is a collection of images gathered into three parts but in my mind remains fragmented and not clearly interlinked with the thoughts. The poem doesn’t really lead anywhere and thus will not leave a permanent impression on most readers. 

War action is not an easy thing to depict, especially for a third party writer. The subject is well trodden and avoiding cliché is difficult. I believe you have tried to cover too much ground in this one, including as much “shock” material as you could think of (sort of panoramic view) whereas keeping things localised to a specific location or battle may be more effective. You definitely need a more poignant ending in order to hold the readers attention. Shock imagery though powerful is temporary and more effective linked to sympathetic emotions. There is no sympathy to blown apart bodies, just horror. The human mind tries to lose these things as quickly as possible.

I liked bringing in “whole foundations their histories, wiped out” but I suggest enhancing this thought and using it as a finale. After all, the dead are gone and will not suffer anymore; The true casualties are survivors and dependants who are most affected in the long run. Visit any war-torn country 5 – 20 years on and you will see the real effects of conflict. Exploitation, Poverty and land-mine victims (mostly children) 

As a survivor myself, these details dwell with me.

Sorry that I am not very complimentary of your poem, but I do believe it requires some basic re-thinking and a clear plan of exactly what the goal is and what devices are available to achieve it. A complete new composition may be the best approach here.

Remember, these are just my own impressions and thoughts. Naturally you may take or discard whatever you want from them but I hope you find something useful.

Wally

peach,

When you revise a poem, even if it is only structural, leave the original in the thread so that latecomers to the thread will be able to follow along.

I don't do a lot of crit because I don't consider myself qualified to do so. However, there's something about this piece that commands my attention. 

Without having heard you read this (so I don’t know what you intend) I’ve taken the liberty of removing, changing, etc some of the commas. I think you structured this to show the strobelight-like effect of seeing violence on a large scale…the whole is fragmented into semi-manageable bits because we cannot deal with the entirety.

Casualties of War

Images assail:
the flash and snap
of an automatic weapon; 
the rat-tat-tatted bone gray    delete “bone” because you use skeletal in the next line.
skeletal remains, visibly shaken,  “visibly shaken” seems out of place here. How are bones “visibly shaken”?
stand, still, stark as sentinels     do you mean stand still as “immobile” or stand still as “still standing”? if the former, perhaps use immobile?
against muddied skies.

This first stanza sets up a vivid picture of the effects of combat at close range.

The charred ruins, fragmented innards, 
limbs of twisted metal, fractured wood, 
crumbled stone, all marred by            good imagery in these three lines
blast-blackened colors, 
deep russet, indigo, purple,    indigo & purple are the same to many
magenta, the bloodied      if the hues are “blast-blackened” they would be black
bruised hues of wounds 
bleed into the streets    “bleed” after “bloodied” in the line above seems redundant…perhaps “pool in the streets”
to collect as coagulate. perhaps just “as coagulate” 

Here, and in the next stanza, you show the aftermath of, perhaps, a carpet bombing of a city. Again, some very nice graphic imagery, stark and unsettling…as it should be. 

Shattered windows stare out,   “stare out” does not fit with “sightless” in the next line.
injured, sightless, pictureless frames
hung on burned strands of smoke,    I really like this line
agape with shocked surprise,
precious mementos flung like refuse
into unrecognizable heaps, 
faceless and featureless,       one or the other…both seems redundant
as any mourner, collapsed like fog,
immobile and hopeless, pressed 
heavily to earth, locked
in the misery of memory. 

Happier days, loose limbed 
children at play, fleet footfalls, 
friendly banter, strolling, shopping, toiling, 
just living day to day, flayed
into echoes, left to ricochet,   “flayed into echoes” WIST
inside the pain,
loss so deep and resounding
only deafening silence is heard;   “deafening silence” is oxymoronic and extremely clichéd
the wreckage, like their amputated lives,    another WISTful moment
interred, the passage swift   “swift as a candle” is confusing because candles are not swift as they burn.
as a candle, bright with life,
suddenly gone out. 

The lingering fear that time   I’m not sure who/what is referenced here.
will depose their glow, 
that recall shall grow distant, 
indistinct, impossible to hold, 
hollow now, they will learn  are the buildings or the children hollow?
that the scorch and heat of flame, 
the slightest touch, though assuaged,  confusion again…does the touch assuage something or is the touch itself assuaged. And do you mean alleviate, calm or satisfy?
becomes indelible as a braziers mark,  again, good image
the cleft, the unfinished edge,   “the cleft” what cleft?
irrevocably joined to the bearer,  these last three lines are confusing to me
familiar, constant, resilient,
even reassuring,

The mightiest of mountains
pummeled by eons of forces 
beyond its strength
will gradually transform, erode,
its dust carried off, but not 
to disappear, 
it only slips away 
to become something else, 
its bulk and shadow scattered, 
to blend, bond, and be, 
once again...

This last stanza, while implying that the images of the horrors of war will gradually diminish, leaves me wondering what those images will “blend, bond” into and whether I want to see the end result.

As I mentioned earlier, you have the foundation of a very solid work here. Pick and choose through my suggestions as you see fit…remember, it is YOUR piece.

writer

peach,

At first glance, this is overwhelming in structure, as emgee indicated. It could be served better by some breaks. Also...it reads, because of the lack of punctuation other than commas, like a Norman Mailer or James Joyce sentence...it's difficult to catch a breath in there. Very "stream of consciousness".

That being said, the imagery is quite vivid...startling at times.
You have the foundation for a powerful anti-war piece here.

writer

Hello peach.  This is a potent poem.  You've handled this serious subject extremely well.  My first suggestion is to break this up into strophes because the first visual of the poem seems daunting.

You've penned some wonderful images and coinages throughout the the piece.  One image that I find excellent is 'collapsed like fog'.  This is both fresh and memorable.   

You have much talent.

mg