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pinched (Read 239 times)

Just_Daniel Supreme Member Offline Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr Posts: 8988 Location: South West New Jersey Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	a pinch and a nudge... Reply #5 - Oct 16^th, 2008 at 5:30pm	Print Post
	Greetings, Sidney. As is often the case, I found myself in agreement again with nas' thorough overview and questions... some of which you haven't answered as yet... so I will wait you out. I know that there are many who are 'stuck in the lower-case' in free verse [ It's almost a 'requirement' in haiku, but even there in the few places where an 'I' might show up, methinks it would be in the upper-case. ], but except in some very few instances, I almost always prefer the upper-case 'I' unless there is some contextual reason for the self-effacing or humbling of the narrator ? I hope that any thoughts you may have regarding modifying your piece will show up above the original in the first frame here. The workshopping that we all do together is often the MOST VALUABLE EXPERIENCE of sharing here. deLighting in growing toether as writers, Daniel


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Sidney Topic Starter Full Member Offline Music/Art/Life Posts: 151 Location: Tempe, Arizona Joined: Aug 1^st, 2008	Re: pinched Reply #4 - Oct 16^th, 2008 at 3:59pm	Print Post
	thanks for the crit! i wasn't sure where this poem was going and feel it may have ended abruptly. i do agree there are some options here to go 'minimalist' and that they might work better. and i'm stuck in lowercase, preferring smallness. i might venture out into Capitals soon though. we will see. chanafrumin - nice to meet you, thrilled to have influenced your thinking.


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chanafrumin Full Member Offline I Love Cafe Poetica! Posts: 267 Joined: Apr 6^th, 2008	Re: pinched Reply #3 - Oct 16^th, 2008 at 1:14pm	Print Post
	Shalom, Sidney i dont think we have met. I liked this poem and felt it clarity ven as I felt moved into a different tempo and way of thinking. So i have no criticism thanks chana


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nas Supreme Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 9444 Joined: Sep 11^th, 2006	Re: pinched Reply #2 - Oct 16^th, 2008 at 5:35am	Print Post
	Hi Sidney Good to read your work again. You always have a wonderful way of painting a vivid picture and this is no exception. Shows very well what many are feeling in this credit crunch - no money and the struggle to survive each month. A couple of suggestions but take or leave as you wish. Quote: between an eager forefinger and a thumb, the crust of washed << do you need the "a"? and dried receipt paper mottled in loose change: 'there's nothing childish about pennies,' im thinking, <<I'm knowing the dignity inherent in dollars, having none. hating the sound a penny makes, dropped into the register, and what it means: there is no music today, no psalm <<I'm more of a minimalist poet and would delete "there is" worth singing, no prayer worth whispering to children while they sleep; there is no room in the clouds for dreams; <<again, I would delete "there is" or in our wallets; no conversation at the pump. there is no time for hope, though <<ditto here we must. pinched between <<why the big space? a quivering forefinger and a thumb, <<delete "a" before thumb the hard edge of a copper key, opening today's mail, and another month of asperity.


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ace Gold Star Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 536 Location: Aurora, Colorado Joined: Aug 5^th, 2003	Re: pinched Reply #1 - Oct 15^th, 2008 at 9:26pm	Print Post
	Sidney wrote on Oct 15^th, 2008 at 5:50pm: pinched between an eager forefinger and a thumb, the crust of washed and dried receipt paper mottled mottled -- great word choice in loose change: 'there's nothing childish Why single quotes? about pennies,' im thinking, i'm? knowing the dignity inherent in dollars, having none. hating the sound a penny makes, dropped into the register, and what it means: there is no music today, no psalm worth singing, no prayer worth whispering to children while they sleep; there is no room in the clouds for dreams; dash instead? or in our wallets; no conversation at the pump. there is no time for hope, though we must. pinched between a quivering forefinger and a thumb, the hard edge of a copper key, opening today's mail, and another month of asperity. -sgdc This is fine writing Sidney. I've made a couple of suggestions above. The lack of cpitals at sentence beginning is a little disconcerting. Having said that, your transition from stanza to stanza works well. ace
	« Last Edit: Oct 15^th, 2008 at 9:29pm by ace »

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Sidney Topic Starter Full Member Offline Music/Art/Life Posts: 151 Location: Tempe, Arizona Joined: Aug 1^st, 2008	pinched Oct 15^th, 2008 at 5:50pm	Print Post
	pinched between an eager forefinger and a thumb, the crust of washed and dried receipt paper mottled in loose change: 'there's nothing childish about pennies,' im thinking, knowing the dignity inherent in dollars, having none. hating the sound a penny makes, dropped into the register, and what it means: there is no music today, no psalm worth singing, no prayer worth whispering to children while they sleep; there is no room in the clouds for dreams; or in our wallets; no conversation at the pump. there is no time for hope, though we must. pinched between a quivering forefinger and a thumb, the hard edge of a copper key, opening today's mail, and another month of asperity. -sgdc


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