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Hello Pentagonia. . .nice to see you here in The Firebox with an offering. . .
I drink the first cup of tea
of the day, from my green cup,
Ave Maria plays on the radio,
outside, workmen in yellow jackets,
are building a new home for the poor,
in the block of flats.
Color seems to play a part in this opening stanza. . .and perhaps in more subtle ways throughout the work. Tea. ..brings to mind many things. . .it associates itself with a more calming atmosphere, eastern philosophies, spirituality. . .then the cup is green. . .which is an earthy, growth-oriented, abundant color (interesting as we later find the neighborhood we are in). The yellow jackets of the workman bring in the sun in the building of a new home. . .when you refer to flats I am reading "apartments" as we Americans would say. . .and also the use of Ave Maria. . .brings in a religious/spiritual bent -- this is all inner, inside the flat, inside the person drinking the tea. . .until they step outside. . .
I drink the first cup of tea for the day
from my green cup,
Ave Maria plays on the radio --
outside, workmen in yellow jackets,
are building a new home for the poor,
in the block of flats.
Above are some possible suggestions. . .after radio. . .it feels as if we need a stronger break, thus the dash. . .
now to address in the block of flats -- I completely understand the use of repetition within a poem. . .to a certain extent. . .have used it myself. . .and while I can see why you might want to repeat that line, I do not feel as if it is necessary after each stanza, whatever the length. It almost begins to have the opposite effect. . .rather than emphasizing the line. . .it becomes an nuisance for the reader. . .
There's an ice cream truck
and an angry old dog barking
in the block of flats,
As we're still inside. . .and seeing things from the N's viewpoint. . .you may wish to utilize that in the above. . .and also possibly draw in some auditory.
I hear the tinned song of an ice-cream truck
or if it cannot be heard over the sound of the workmen. . .that could be utilized as well. . .
There is an ice-cream truck down the street,
it's tinned song drowned
by the jackhammer and the back-hoe;
an angry, old dog barks
silent in its chase of moving wheels.
in this way we begin to expand on the visuals. . .paint a more vivid picture of the neighborhood of the block of flats. . .which could be removed from this stanza.
I finish my tea and go outside,
where the strong sun stings my eyes,
in the block of flats,
What dos that strong sun represent. . .you need not "spell it out" if you would rather not. . .but perhaps expand the visual some more.
I finish my tea, go outside
to where the strong sun stings my eyes,
highlights the children playing marbles
in the gutter, shoes on or off,
no shoes at all
in the block of flats.
Again. . .examples of how the visual can be expanded and from those visuals we can draw so much subjectively. . .while you can put so much in objectively. . .
I let the light shine
on my wounded body,
and enter the world of roses
in the block of flats,
Wounded -- there is no previous indication of wounding. . .and nothing referred to after that line -- must have had a reason to put it in. . .perhaps you'd like to let your readers in on it? *smile* That light shining refers back to the sun. . .but I have a suspicion that you want it to be more than just the sun. . .again. . .expand that, paint a more intense picture of both the light and the wounded body. . .and a little inkling into why the block of flats allows one to enter the world of roses. . .what is "special" about that world?
Where children play
games, and
dealers roam, in packs
in the block of flats,
Roses. . .carry so many meanings. . .none of them having to do with drug dealers. . .which is implied. . .though not directly stated. . .oh, do I want to see a picture of those children. . .their plight, what are the costs of those games?
Where people are stacked
on shelves of concrete,
in the block of flats,
How is this any different from any other area where people live in flats stacked on concrete slab after slab raising upward? I also get the image of some European cemeteries. . .where the bodies are interred in "boxes". . .above ground rising upward.
Where I am a rose standing, and
breathing
in the block of flats.
Truly. . .you need to give us more on the rose. . .some more visual, imagery, metaphor that can bring us to a clearer reason as to why this wounded person who listens to Ave Maria and drinks tea is a rose. . .why is it significant that he is breathing in the block of flats? I have my own conjecture. . .and will take it where I want it to go. . .but many of your readers will simply throw up their hands and say "I don't get it". . .
Interesting work -- looking forward to watching it evolve. . .
Ren
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Re: In the block of flats (Read 819 times)
