Page Index Toggle Pages: 1 Send TopicPrint
Normal Topic Taxonomy of Raw Materials (Read 108 times)
enkadu
Full Member
***
Offline


tell a story, have a point

Posts: 13
Location: Ct
Joined: May 25th, 2005
Re: Taxonomy of Raw Materials
Reply #1 - May 26th, 2005 at 8:49pm
Print Post  
Ok I am going to leave out comments on meter. 

there are some compounded words that may simply be typos

dewtouched S2 L1 ; dirtsmeared S2 L3

I also feel that there is an opacity here that goes beyond intentional poetic obsfucation.  Word choices such as

a wailing din and the glare   
of sentinel creepers

fail to establish a consistent imagery of either the scene or metaphor

Symbiote...referring to the subject, implies Life where everything else implies death.

Hair,  ....  like rotten yolk

is an evocative image, but one that breaks down under scrutiny as a metaphor that  is not self supporting.

All in all a strong effort, with some interesting texture.
  
Back to top
AIM  
IP Logged
 
poeticwar
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Full Member
***
Offline


The Very Ominous

Posts: 34
Location: UK
Joined: May 24th, 2004
Taxonomy of Raw Materials
Feb 7th, 2005 at 10:10pm
Print Post  
Taxonomy of Raw Materials



On the third day we discovered her. Symbiote,
merged beneath a wailing din and the glare 
of sentinel creepers, spun like webs around her, from tree to tree. 
And the red-blue blaze flooded intermittently.

The moss, dewtouched and brilliant, had made of her
a nest. A bed. Ribs pushed up eagerly like saplings,
and seemed branches, dirtsmeared. Bronzed.

Leather clasped small muscles, or let spill. Fungus
tanned its own hide. Worms threw themselves,
buried themselves, wetted themselves in bloodclots

and were made fresh, glistening like fat red bulbs.
Hair, too, was extant, and spread like rotten yolk
along the earth's ruts and its withered carpet.

The dank humus had moulded 
around her wreckage.

« Last Edit: Feb 7th, 2005 at 10:10pm by poeticwar »  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1
Send TopicPrint