(UTC)
 Change Template: 
Choose Language:
  PoemTrain › Writer's Depot › Firebox (FB) › Mishegas (revision 2)
(Moderator: Normpo)
‹ Previous Topic | Next Topic ›
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1 Send TopicPrint
Normal Topic Mishegas (revision 2) (Read 125 times)
nas
Supreme Member
*****
Offline


I love YaBB 1G - SP1!

Posts: 9444
Joined: Sep 11th, 2006
Re: Mishegas
Reply #4 - Jan 29th, 2013 at 3:30pm
Print Post  
A very apt poem for this week, last Sunday being Holocaust Memorial day.  A good sense is expressed as to the far reaching affect dow the generations and how the legacy still impacts descendants.

A few thoughts, use or reject as you wish.

Generations
orbit each other
as they descend
the worn wooden
staircase;
individuals
then are scattered scattering
to isolated,
unfathomable,
destinations.

Crisp uniforms,
obeying obey blind orders,
herding rags
cradling bones,
whose owners
live the legacy
within themselves.
Timeworn prayers
solace them
on the trains
with no seats.

The soldiers eat wurst,
mastering the solution
in arch vacancy.
Over the loudspeakers
a dance hall sultry voice
drowns out women’s last cries,
all release muffled
inside overcoats
bunched in the snow  <<--I didn't quite follow this image

What poems
new tones,
lilting humor
lost in the diaspora?

The works to follow
late replacements
for salvation.
  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Normpo
Forum Administrator
*****
Offline



Posts: 10830
Joined: Aug 2nd, 2003
Re: Mishegas
Reply #3 - Jan 29th, 2013 at 11:34am
Print Post  
I just edited my edits  ~smile~ Had scatter words twice....
I failed to comment also that in my suggested edits I tended to change to present tense purposely. TIME (generation to generation) is a big facto in this poem IMO.
« Last Edit: Jan 29th, 2013 at 11:36am by Normpo »  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
R.C James
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Full Member
***
Offline


I Love Cafe Poetica!

Posts: 25
Joined: Nov 17th, 2010
Re: Mishegas
Reply #2 - Jan 29th, 2013 at 11:12am
Print Post  
normpo - Thanks for the suggestions. I had initially staggered the staircase lines but they didn't transfer, they went back to straight alignment.  I'll work on the other suggestions, Cheers, R
  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Normpo
Forum Administrator
*****
Offline



Posts: 10830
Joined: Aug 2nd, 2003
Re: Mishegas
Reply #1 - Jan 29th, 2013 at 4:11am
Print Post  
I like this on many levels ... for starters (by way of critical suggestion), I'd handle the initial descent down the "staircase" differently.  I'd want the feeling to be close to a falling-down or at least a rapid, breathless journey down. To that end, how about this early treatment:

Generations
orbit each other
as they 
d
e
s
c
e
n
d
the worn wooden
staircase;
individuals
scattering
to isolated,
unfathomable, 
destinations
in their crisp uniforms, 
obeying blind orders,
herding rags 
cradling bones,
whose owners 
live the legacy
within themselves.

Timeworn prayers 
solace them
on the trains
with no seats,
while soldiers eat wurst,
mastering the solution
in arch vacancy.

In a dancehall,
over the loudspeakers
comes a dance-hall sultry voice
drowning out women’s last cries.

All release muffled
inside overcoats 
bunched in the snow
NOTE: (Not sure about these three lines above -- absolutely stops the reader -- forces a re-read to understand?

What poems
new tones, 
lilting humor
were lost in the diaspora?

PS: A title offering: "Staircase" or "Staircase and Mishegas"  ~smile~
« Last Edit: Jan 29th, 2013 at 11:35am by Normpo »  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
R.C James
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Full Member
***
Offline


I Love Cafe Poetica!

Posts: 25
Joined: Nov 17th, 2010
Mishegas (revision 2)
Jan 25th, 2013 at 11:14pm
Print Post  
Generations 
orbit each other 
as they descend 
the worn wooden 
staircase; 
individuals 
then are scattered 
to isolated, 
barbarous, 
destinations. 

Crisp uniforms, 
obeying orders, 
herd rags 
cradling bones, 
whose owners 
live the legacy 
within themselves. 
Timeworn prayers 
solace them 
on trains 
with no seats. 

Soldiers eat wurst, 
mastering the solution 
in arch vacancy. 
Over loudspeakers 
a dance hall sultry voice 
drowns out last cries. 

What poems 
new tones, 
lilting humor 
were lost 
in the diaspora? 

Works to follow 
withered as 
late replacements 
for salvation. 





(original)
Generations
orbit each other
as they descend
the worn wooden
staircase;
individuals
then are scattered
to isolated,
unfathomable, 
destinations. 

Crisp uniforms, 
obeying blind orders,
herd rags 
cradling bones,
whose owners 
live the legacy
within themselves.
Timeworn prayers 
solace them
on the trains
with no seats.

The soldiers eat wurst,
mastering the solution
in arch vacancy.
Over the loudspeakers
a dance hall sultry voice
drowns out women’s last cries,
all release muffled
inside overcoats 
bunched in the snow

What poems
new tones, 
lilting humor
lost in the diaspora?

The works to follow
late replacements
for salvation.
« Last Edit: May 2nd, 2013 at 8:43pm by R.C James »  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1
Send TopicPrint
‹ Previous Topic | Next Topic ›
 
  « Board Index ‹ Board Top  

PoemTrain » Powered by YaBB 2.6.12!
YaBB Forum Software © 2000-2024. All Rights Reserved.

Valid RSS Valid XHTML Valid CSS Powered by Perl Source Forge