Hi Carly
I got it eventually. Had to read it three or four time before I got the right perspective. Your layout and punctuation don’t make it easy for the reader.
A lovely short sketch! I wonder what the flowers are pondering?
I loved the concept of daisies contemplating escape from behind bars and reminiscing.
Lets see if i can fix the comprehension issue by changing punctuation;
Quote:“In spring, blades
of grass struggle to rise
while daisies whisper from fences;
pondering possibilities, speak of days
when their blooms lasted
the whole summer.”
Still a problem - ah that gerund!
Quote:“In spring, blades
of grass struggle to rise
while daisies whisper from fences;
ponder possibilities, speak of days
when their blooms lasted
the whole summer.”
Much better! Now a detail analasys;
The relationship between the grass and daisies needs improvement. The daisies activity is determined by spring, not the struggling grass blades. For me, the grass is your foil (contrast)for the daisies; it grows free while the daisies are confined by fences. The grass is a fast growing annual while the daisy is perennial and thus older and remembers past years.
Quote:
“In spring, blades
of grass struggle to rise
and daisies whisper from fences,
ponder possibilities, speak of days
when their blooms lasted
the whole summer.”
That is still a ponderous sentence. I wonder why the grass is struggling? Usually it shoots vigorously in spring. Speaking and whispering are both communicating with sound so one is redundant. Pondering implies thinking of various possibilities so that is also redundant. Days is short term; “Last the whole summer” is an annual event – consider revising. Are the daisies sitting on the fences? No of course not, they are behind and possibly pushing through.
May I suggest giving the reader two thoughts for the spring image; the grass symbols and, the more detailed daisies.
After some streamlining, and polishing it could look something like this;
Quote:“Spring grass-shoots explore the verges:
Daisies, pressing through fences,
ponder escape and
whisper of times when blooms
would last a whole summer.”
Take or discard whatever you want from these rambling thoughts, I hope there is something useful therein.
Hugz,
Wally
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Whispers From the Fence (Read 105 times)
