(UTC)
 Change Template: 
Choose Language:
  PoemTrain › Writer's Depot › The Short Line (SL) › Haiku(ish)
(Moderator: Normpo)
‹ Previous Topic | Next Topic ›
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1 Send TopicPrint
Normal Topic Haiku(ish) (Read 45 times)
Just_Daniel
Supreme Member
*****
Offline


Slow down; things will
go faster. ~ djr

Posts: 8989
Location: South West New Jersey
Joined: Aug 2nd, 2003
Re: Haiku(ish)
Reply #4 - Sep 29th, 2011 at 5:48pm
Print Post  
Super....
Quote:
oily darts return
summer's clarion herald
vanguard in the blue

Then to make this TWO snapshots, why not shuffles something like this, making herald a verb instead of noun?

oily darts return --
summer's vanguard clarion
heralds in the blue

as one of many ways to accomplish that end.

deLighting in your flitting about, Daniel  Cool

P.S.  In a critique forum like this, it's always helpful for everyone to leave the ORIGINAL somewhere in your post... usually down below or quoted below... so that participants can follow any revision you might make.  Sometimes, late-comers even like the original best!  Wink
« Last Edit: Sep 29th, 2011 at 5:50pm by Just_Daniel »  
Back to top
WWW  
IP Logged
 
Paul Sands
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Full Member
***
Offline


I Love Cafe Poetica!

Posts: 163
Location: United Kingdom
Joined: Jan 16th, 2011
Re: Haiku
Reply #3 - Sep 27th, 2011 at 10:57pm
Print Post  
Pic is mine yes, was trying to do it correctly Smiley
  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Just_Daniel
Supreme Member
*****
Offline


Slow down; things will
go faster. ~ djr

Posts: 8989
Location: South West New Jersey
Joined: Aug 2nd, 2003
Re: Haiku
Reply #2 - Sep 27th, 2011 at 12:49pm
Print Post  
Yes, I agree with David that this is a beautiful piece.

Do remember that a haiku does not capitalize, and I believe that you have THREE snapshots instead of the requisite TWO, juxtaposed against one another to form a two-sided look and ONE MOMENT's impressions.  That will help readers to 'swallow' this more readily as a haiku.  Wink

deLighting in your sharing the pic too.  Is it yours?  - Daniel  Cool
  
Back to top
WWW  
IP Logged
 
davidf
Supreme Member
*****
Offline


I love YaBB 1G - SP1!

Posts: 1158
Joined: Oct 25th, 2007
Re: Haiku
Reply #1 - Sep 25th, 2011 at 2:06pm
Print Post  
Paul,
Very nice.  One quick crit, though: shouldn't it be summer's rather than summers?
~Davidf
  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Paul Sands
Topic Starter Topic Starter
Full Member
***
Offline


I Love Cafe Poetica!

Posts: 163
Location: United Kingdom
Joined: Jan 16th, 2011
Haiku(ish)
May 10th, 2011 at 10:08am
Print Post  

oily darts return
summer's clarion herald
vanguard in the blue
« Last Edit: Sep 27th, 2011 at 10:57pm by Paul Sands »  
Back to top
 
IP Logged
 
Page Index Toggle Pages: 1
Send TopicPrint
‹ Previous Topic | Next Topic ›
 
  « Board Index ‹ Board Top  

PoemTrain » Powered by YaBB 2.6.12!
YaBB Forum Software © 2000-2024. All Rights Reserved.

Valid RSS Valid XHTML Valid CSS Powered by Perl Source Forge