A good poem Peach. The first verse is the strongest visually. My main suggestion is to change your very good similes into metaphors for a stronger image.
Quote:time collects, connects <<--I would put connects on the next line to connect with sound and images
sound and images,
as dot to dot blots <<--you could delete "as" and turn the simile into a metaphor, which is a stronger image
drawn in by the second hand,
words, moods, even expressions,
kept, as if in a box, <<--again a great image but would be stronger if you said "kept in a box"
the way a child stores
its treasures
as morning yields
to bright day,
the sun links the sky
rising as setting,
absence measured
as ticking away,
in silence or screams,
the fullness of hellos,
as parting goodbyes <<--I didnt get what you are trying to say in this verse.
the road, that runs,
before or behind
whether day or night, seems
without end, a step either way,
begins a beginning,
as when we close our eyes, <<--full stop after beginning. new verse and delete "as"
we link yesterday to today,
and open them up
with the morrow
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*** Keepsakes (Read 427 times)
