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Dani
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Re: taking naked pictures
Reply #7 - Jan 29th, 2010 at 1:28pm
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Hello sarah,

This is really impressive. I like the revised version but feel this couplet kind of weekend it:

kissed me, soft 
as new hands.

Is there another way to say it? In the revisions parts of it were ridied up but somehow it lost the "POW!" of the first version...

Exquisite descriptions...

Dani
  
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Poppy
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Re: taking naked pictures
Reply #6 - Jan 29th, 2010 at 12:17pm
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Ah, very nice!  I agree with what some of the others have suggested about the title.  Don't have any suggestions for a new title, but the current one just seems to give it all away when the poem itself is a mystery unraveling.

Keep up the good work!
  
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peach
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Re: taking naked pictures
Reply #5 - Jan 28th, 2010 at 10:40pm
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all lovely
  
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zenmaster
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Re: taking naked pictures
Reply #4 - Jan 26th, 2010 at 1:12am
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I like this exactly how it is, I may change the title slightly but that would be about it. Great stuff.
  
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peach
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Re: taking naked pictures
Reply #3 - Jan 25th, 2010 at 4:52pm
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THE POEM IS TRULY BEAUTIFUL EXACTLY AS IS
Feel it would gain by losing the suggestive title--in lieu of using "GOD" and"ANGEL" in the body of the poem,
otherwise as I play per usual with those pieces I love...


Standing in the frame
of an 
open window
I am remade  

Caught in the embrace 
of a breeze,
the warm 
breath of God,
upon me

as Eve
light kissed,
bare-breasted; 
in unrestrained
comfort

the radiance
glowing, as haloes
surround
my rounded 
flesh,
casts hints
in shapely shadows. 

painting 
me beautiful.
« Last Edit: Jan 25th, 2010 at 4:58pm by peach »  
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nas
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Re: taking naked pictures
Reply #2 - Jan 23rd, 2010 at 6:58am
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Lovely Sarah.

As Terry has already said, very sensual.  My only question is whether you need "like God" in verse 2.
  
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sarattackz
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Re: taking naked pictures
Reply #1 - Jan 22nd, 2010 at 9:40pm
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why thank you! that's so nice of you to say
  
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Terry
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Re: taking naked pictures
Jan 22nd, 2010 at 9:38pm
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Sara,

Im at a loss for words with this beautiful piece.

It defines sensuality...if the purity of thought with this could be transfered to canvas it would I believe be a masterpiece.

Terry
  
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