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chanafrumin
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Re: ***    the pond  
Reply #8 - Jun 15th, 2012 at 1:13pm
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Hi
This poem about movement and stiullness has me dizzy 
I dont have any criticisms
Chana
  
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chanafrumin
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Re: ***    the pond  
Reply #7 - May 3rd, 2012 at 8:09pm
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a continuum of beginnings and endings
self-absorbed, as a pebble toss,
the slink of a watersnake
glides into its own reflection,

This is a clear and strong metaphor well dome
Chana
  
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Thoth
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Re: ***    the pond  
Reply #6 - Feb 15th, 2012 at 9:12pm
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Nice work Peach,
I love the revision, it has come to life remarkably well. I miss the dragonfly though, the symbolism was profound. 

The end is perfect, where the trout takes the jig, briefly upsetting the tranquillity of the scene.

Thanks for sharing

Wally
  
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Re: ***    the pond  
Reply #5 - Feb 12th, 2012 at 4:05am
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Peach,
I like your revision.  Nicely done.
~Davidf
  
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peach
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Re: *   the pond  
Reply #4 - Nov 21st, 2011 at 3:26pm
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the pond revisited
  
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nas
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Re: the pond
Reply #3 - Jan 24th, 2010 at 8:59am
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Quote:
Remote, solitary, seized  <<-- what is seized by the the tranquil stillness (and I'm still not convinced seized is a good word to describe tranquil stillness)?
by the tranquil stillness
of a forest pond,
the isolation perceived
in the hypnotic sheen
of blue green reflections,
on closer inspection,
more than illusion

On closer inspection,
the isolation perceived
in the hypnotic sheen
of blue-green reflections,
is merely illusion.


Neither permanent,
nor passing, the pond,
everchanging is everchanging yet tangible,
awash with life, easily overlooked   
the toss of a pebble
meaningless,
swallowed whole, the tremble
of outward going ripples
finish, without leaving a mark,

Unlike other living things,
not missed, as an awe inspiring,  <<--you are missing a noun and verb here.  Saying unlike..... sets up an expectation that you don't carry through.... eg.  Unlike other living things not missed, nature hides beneath a languid mist that lifts as a cloak...
languid mist that lifts as a cloak,
revealing a gentle, bunch of rushes
banded  together, open and fold back
as a curtain, the subtle movement
beginning a show,
the introduction,   
of a brood of fuzzy ducklings
trailing after their mother,   

Or the two combatants,
bedecked in full body armor
engaged in a battle
to occupy the top of a rock,
the slow progression, comic,
in slow motion, the competition
as the falling off humiliation,
for one turtle, too tiresome,
as it swims off
to heal bloodless wounds,  <<--again, here you have a long, complex and convoluted sentence.



The watercolor scene
perfect waterlilies,
the stretch of cool green
as white, an open invitation,  <<-- if the waterlilies are green, what is white?
as a tiny frog  <<--you use "as" quite a lot
climbs aboard on clumsy feet,
crouched compactly, to bask in the heat,
hooded eyes, close, as it drifts
softly into sleep
to dream tiny frog dreams,

As a riotous bounce of color,
a host of butterflies,
flutter, vividly,
a riotous bounce of colour,
living fireworks, that suspend
midair, in noiseless bursts,
spellbinding, just the same,
as
wordless, as memorable
a performance, as any,

As In the leap of excitement
before a kiss,
wind parts leaves
as doves breathe and coo
gentle love words to one another <<--comma
as a slow rush-hush builds,
a tall and stoic blue heron
shifts its dignified head
to witness
unwedded bliss,

The forest pond
glazes over with fatigue
the thrum of activity, slows,
flanked by long shadows,
the afternoon narrows
to a close,

A drangonfly whirrs
overhead diving with the hum
of a dozen whispers
eager for repose,
it descends
into silence,

As I,
turn to follow
my own shadow,
taller than some,
smaller than most,

The pond, remains,
my presence, as my exit
of no consequence,
my passing, goes by,
without a ripple



and in answer to your question, I have never considered showcasing any of my work.
  
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nas
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Re: the pond
Reply #2 - Jan 17th, 2010 at 8:16am
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Quote:
remote,
solitary, I am seized  <--seized seems to violent for tranquil stillness
by the tranquil stillness
of a forest pond, the sheen
of blue green reflections
coming to mind

the pond, a solitary thing
abuzz, with liife as,
with other living things
  <<--says the same thing as "abuzz with life"
a languid mist
a gentle spring of rushes
banded  together,

separate with the movement
parting near the shore
revealing to reveal a train of fuzzy ducklings
trailing after one another
in a wake behind their mother,

two turtles bedecked in full armor
wage battle atop a rock, the slow
repeat progress hilarious to watch,
waterlilies float, soft, thick and cushiony,
the serene cool green of leaves,
offer the perfect resting place

as the sun feasts on the lovely scene
a frog climbs aboard on clumsy feet, <<--full stop after feet
basking in the heat, it closes hooded eyes, t
and sleeps, dreaming frog dreams,  <<--I wonder if you need "dreaming frog dreams"

A riotous bounce of color,
flutters vividly
living firworks
flying throuh the air,
as wordless a  performance,
as any, anywhere,

as a leap of excitement
before a kiss;
the wind parts lips, open  <<--full stop after lips.  Should it be "breathe gently"?
leaves breath gentle between lips
the rush of brides maids
witness wedded bliss

bent towards the afternoon sun.
The forest melody draws to a close
as a drangonfly passes by eager for repose
  
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sarattackz
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Re: the pond
Reply #1 - Jan 14th, 2010 at 6:19pm
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I think I see what you're going for with this poem: a smooth lyrical piece describing a lovely wedding. However I lost the plot because the words were too soft, there's was nothing strong - word wise - to focus my attention. Also, I found myself noticing the rhyming words and where you smoothed the edges of the poem. This seems like a great story to tell, I would just recommend breaking it up a bit and putting it stronger focus words. How about ...

the tranquil pond, 
glimmered, an uninterrupted sheen of green-blue
reflections, set in breaks of light
the pattern shift of water like embossed linen
hung to dry, a pure and perfect
masterpiece basking in it's beauty.
The sunlit flutter of butterflies
flit by with the tender tilt, the breathy touch of 
lifting a wedding veil 
before a kiss;
the wind floats leaves gentle as lips 
that touch short and soft.
It follows bridesmaids along the curved 
bow path, lost as rudderless canoes spun 'round 
in their own whirlpool; or colorful kites, 
silky tails dancing, one by one,
bent towards the afternoon sun.
The forest melody floats, silent
as a drangonfly passes by 
as a preacher, more somber 
than most, 
he pronounces the vows
with the onset of evening.
  
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peach
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***    the pond  
Jan 14th, 2010 at 5:51pm
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Neither permanent nor passing
a pond lays
amid tangled scrubs 
and breaks of light
the roll stretch and flatten
of each disturbance ed  
as a soft breeze 
against the sky 

Solitary
absorbed as a pebble tossed 
briskly cuts sheer in the shift 
from air to water 
the dimple draw in enough to spin
a water bugs
like tiny rudderless canoes
into whirlpools 
that suddenly burst
the hit the lift of jaws 
shearing through the surface 
in a tumble twist 
pulls the prize deep
deeper than the stillness
« Last Edit: Feb 11th, 2014 at 3:04pm by peach »  
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