I really like the effect of the overall poem but feel a bit of wandering as to where it is going and what you desire to impart at the close...I hope this helps in what I LACK in expressing and is of some value...


Fallen Leaf

Voiceless, they come 

autumn’s messengers
their hues
foretell
impending barrenness—

statues of verdant flesh
witness the passage 
supple, to barren 
wind-swept leaves
that toss across streets, and meadows
as miniature gales forecast a storm
 
banners scrape shuttered windows
unfolded as a hand that waves 
to a crowd of strangers 
the leaf never enjoys leaving alone
when worry points up
to cloud filled  skies

wary of the newly present chill
a leaf shivers its detachment
just before it falls 
silent as rain, in part
to enrich the earth

It passes by, honor’s banner draping,
as tri-colored echoes wave adieu<----kind of cliche (waving adieu) I also don't think it gains anything from having tri-colored echoes. I think you could drop the line and just have the banner draping and then waving from the hands of strangers/i]

Cyn,

Thanks for the insight here. I like what you've had to say, but must clarify the image portrayed in the above lines. You can'y remove the tri-colored line because the banner cannot wave from the hands of strangers. The banner is draping the passing coffin, and the tri-coloered echoes are the small hand-held flags in the hands of the voiceless crowd. (echoes always being less than its predecessor). 

Your other thoughts, however, are noteworthy and appreciated.

Doug

nas wrote on Oct 30^th, 2009 at 8:41pm:



nas,

Thanks for the crit. As for "down" vs. "along", I think that "down" plays to the mood of the piece a little better. 

Regarding the "banner draping" and the "tri-colord echoes" I had hoped to adequately describe the American flag in both instances. The latter "waving adieu/ from the hands of strangers..."

I think I do like the "dance" rather than "dancing", and will ponder it more before changing it. Perhaps someone else can weigh in on it as well.

Thanks for resurrecting this one,

Doug

nas wrote on Oct 30^th, 2009 at 6:33am:


nas,

Thank you for noticing this piece. I was begining to think it was DOA. 

You may comment on either/both. The first one is the original version. In the second edition I did some tweaking, especially of the opening, but also in other places, for perceived flow issues. I just wanted readers to see my thought progressions with this effort.

Doug

^{There are two versions of this effort for your consideration. I made some changes to the original, but thought both versions should be posted for your critique.}

Version #1

Fallen Leaf

They came to watch— 
as autumn’s hues foretold
their impending barrenness—

a voiceless crowd, flesh-statues
bearing witness to the passage 
of a still green, but now fallen leaf, 
wind-swept down this solemn street
by darker gales of a distant storm.
 
It passes by, honor’s banner draping,
as tri-colored echoes wave adieu
from the hands of strangers who never
 
saw the leaf upon its tree; never 
enjoyed its dancing on gentler breezes; never 
laughed beneath its frolicking joy

when whimsy pointed to cloudless skies,
unwary of  the present commingling 
of the tears of heaven and earth. 

© D. Allen Jenkins

---

Version #2

Fallen Leaf

They came to watch, this voiceless 
crowd, as autumn’s hues foretold
a looming barrenness. Flesh-statues

standing witness to the passage 
of a still green, but now fallen leaf, 
wind-swept by the darker gales 
of a distant storm down this solemn street.
 
It passes by, honor’s banner draping,
as tri-colored echoes wave adieu
from the hands of strangers who never 
saw the leaf upon its tree; never 
enjoyed its dancing on gentler breezes; never
 
laughed beneath its frolicking joy
when whimsy pointed to cloudless skies,
unwary of the present commingling 
of the tears of heaven and earth. 

© D. Allen Jenkins