Hiya Mr Lee

It may simply be the way we pronounce things over here but two parts don't seem to read quite right for me.  A comma at the end of line one would have helped me to read correctly the first time.

Likewise in line 9 the comma after charcoal threw me off.  May I suggest that it would serve better either removed completely or at least repositioned to the end of the line.

I know I'm being a bit cheeky but I also didn't feel that 'black and white' quite fits with the gentle nature of the piece, it sounds harsh.  'Shades of grey' to my ear sounds more in keeping and helps strengthen the uncertain nature of the future, if that makes sense.

I love the distorting glass though.  The sense that although we know what the subject is and what it will become, the future is mottled and unclear.

I'm sorry, I agree with the other critiques that the final line spoils the flow.  I think it sounds awkward and detracts from the piece.  If you really want to make it clear that this is about a photograph then give it a descriptive title. 8x10 comes to mind.

Thank you for sharing this with me. I'm richer for the reading.

Rick

(referring back to the lessons in Sonnet Central-)

It's important to remember that accents don't just come in HARD and (soft)...there are softly accented ictus, that do not strike the reader as a STRONG beat, but are an ictus, nonetheless...and a verb nearly always draws an ictus unless followed by a strong modifier.

The line in question (if the text-tools can accomodate it) would read  did Demi pass through his thought?


I don't mean to sound defensive, but y'all need to relax your view of iambic...it's not such a black&white issue in meter.  (I think it was Frost who said "There are two meters in poetry; iambic and loose iambic.")

In that light, Dan'l...your read is pretty nearly dead on.  The accent on 'did' is a very mild stress.  Still a stress...just not one that requires a big, bold DID.


I recomend re-reading EBBrowning...see how she makes the various levels of beats in her iambic.  It may help a little.

(Or maybe I'm just whistlin' Dixie.)

Hi Wally

It's always been a puzzle to me how two people can read the same line so differently.  As I read it, the natural stresses, (including how Demi Moore pronounces her own name) fall thusly

...caused
such furor.   (Did Demi pass through his thought?)

The iambic holds; I have to literally force myself to see it in any other metric pattern.  Other lands, other accents, I guess...but I do promise you that Demi Moore does, indeed, pronounce her name deMI.

I guess I have to resign myself to a strcitly American audience of mainly film buffs.   

Thanks for looking in, always!

Think I can see it, Cowboy.  : )  Wish I had so much more time to comment. . .

'sposed to be working on a 20 page paper that's barely begun. . .

but wanted to stop and say I'd read. . .and it was good to see you here. . .and

I love the new pic!  : )

Rene

dericlee wrote on Sep 21^st, 2009 at 3:24am:

I think that the 'stage setting' dissipates some of the power in the poem. That and the last line also dissipates some of the power.  The poem is a dense almost 'abstraction' in its own right and makes the reader work a bit to get it, and then you give the reader the crucial clue that it is a photograph, in a way if you changed the last line to he saw or embraced the future, eliminating the photograph reference people would probably not know it is a photograph. Or if that is really important to you, you could have put the word photograph in the title such as "Untitled 8x10 Black & White photographic study of a pregnant woman"  and then just eliminate the last line.
The last line is a rhythm buster, very abrupt.  But reading just the first four stanzas with no information, making the reader work a bit (I like to work a bit, the poet does not have to give me everything, let me get it)  WOW, it is a very powerful piece of writing, of observation, of information about the poet, I know more now than I did before, the writing is dense and spare and flows beautifully.
Like I said if you just have to tell everyone that it is a photograph use the title to do so, Use that last line as the title "He's photographed the future" and then the first four stanzas.
   
The art of writing about art making poetry about art is called Ekphrasis, it is a difficult art form and I think you can consider yourself very successful in this endeavor.
As an aside, most college courses in poetry writing involve students of varying skill levels but I would think that you are of a level far above the rest of the class, if you are not it must be one really exciting class.
A wonderful poem, thank you.  Joe