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peach
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Re: Memento
Reply #3 - May 5th, 2009 at 10:05am
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I imagined either a broken relationship either by deed or death--the only thing that made that questionable for me was "paths" perhaps "thoughts" or "hopes", "visions" or some such abstraction may serve better!
  
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emgee
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Re: Memento
Reply #2 - Apr 29th, 2009 at 3:09pm
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Thank you nas for reading and commenting.  I will make the changes from lay to lie.  The last stanza is only a reliving in memory.  I was hoping the title would help with that.  The woman in this poem has had to get over the ugly to remember the good things in the relationship.

Thanks again nas.

mg
  
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nas
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Re: Memento
Reply #1 - Apr 29th, 2009 at 5:08am
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Hi emgee

Some lovely images of lying in the alpine vale in the edelweiss.

A few thoughts, use or lose as you wish.

Quote:
We lay on stony ground of alpine vale  <<if present tense, should be lie.
in seas of Edelweiss that roll and wave.
We hear the whispered songs of deities
upon the thinning air as mountains wail.
And there, our knowledge dims, our bodies crave;
we take, we do not ask, nor plead, nor tease.

I climb on beams of sun to lilac crest;
you meld with earth, encompass east and west.   
 
Through overgrown and cluttered paths I stride
and sidle foggy ledges to get by.
I brave the battlements of sense and pride,
then ford the streaming tears of our good-bye,
to lay with you again on mountainside,  <<again should be lie
to touch again, the velvet of a sigh.

<<my only question is - if in the beginnig you are lying together, why in the last verse do you need to stride paths and foggy ledges to lie with her?
 
  
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emgee
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Memento
Apr 28th, 2009 at 8:39pm
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We lie on stony ground of alpine vale
in seas of Edelweiss that roll and wave.
We hear the whispered songs of deities
upon the thinning air as mountains wail.
And there, our knowledge dims, our bodies crave;
we take, we do not ask, nor plead, nor tease.

I climb on beams of sun to lilac crest;
you meld with earth, encompass east and west.   
  
Through overgrown and cluttered paths I stride
and sidle foggy ledges to get by.
I brave the battlements of sense and pride,
then ford the streaming tears of our good-bye,
to lie with you again on mountainside,
to touch again, the velvet of a sigh.
« Last Edit: Apr 29th, 2009 at 3:10pm by emgee »  
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