PoemTrain - Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet]

(UTC)

Change Template:

Choose Language:

PoemTrain › Writer's Depot › Sonnet Central (SC) › Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet]

(Moderator: Normpo)

‹ Previous Topic | Next Topic ›

Page Index Toggle

Pages: 1

Hot Topic (More than 10 Replies)

Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet] (Read 182 times)

Just_Daniel Supreme Member Offline Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr Posts: 8989 Location: South West New Jersey Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Re: Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet] Reply #11 - Sep 19^th, 2012 at 3:30pm	Print Post
	Lin wrote on Sep 25^th, 2008 at 9:28pm: Harlot Moon Oh harlot moon who's faded blush so wanes Now dressed in inky clouds of midnight's silk The sound of madness echoes its refrains, Chills down the night as sour as witch's milk. And yet it draws - the beast within does cry To pull desire so hard, its teeth to bare A glowing pearl amidst the velvet sky - In cold illumination shines no care. The surge of fiendish blood within my veins Sent searching to complete my darkest thrill Emboldened - Only feral need remains To hold you supplicated to my will... Imparts a heat that rends flesh into dust Or have you now, fulfill this wanton lust. Lin Cava © 19-February-2008 Sonnet Shakespearean Iambic Pentameter I'm late in my response, but here I go, just diving in and offering some twist of lines that seem to need a better flow... with hopes that you don't offer me your fist! Oh harlot moon whose faded blush now wanes while donning inky clouds of midnight's silk. The sound of madness echoes its refrains and chills the night with drops of witch's milk. And yet it draws the beast within to cry, to pull desire so hard it bares its teeth, their glowing pearl amid the velvet sky illuminating cold that's hard to breathe. The surge of fiendish blood within my veins, sent searching to complete my darkest thrill, emboldens; only feral need remains to hold you supplicated to my will... imparts a heat to rend my flesh to dust or have you now... fulfill this wanton lust. So... if you're still around to read this, I hope this may bring your work out from the place you stored it, if only to take another look. deLighting to share, Daniel
	« Last Edit: Sep 19^th, 2012 at 3:32pm by Just_Daniel »

	WWW IP Logged

Pen Full Member Offline Posts: 255 Location: Ladysmith V.I. B.C. Joined: Jul 31^st, 2003	Re: Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet] Reply #10 - Jul 29^th, 2012 at 3:55pm	Print Post
	without venturing into a sonnet's finer points ... I liked this so much it made me want to write one of my own. Perhaps a villanelle or a pantoum? Thanks for a great read!


	IP Logged

Terry Gold Star Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 628 Location: OR Joined: Feb 14^th, 2007	Re: Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet] Reply #9 - Sep 13^th, 2009 at 11:57pm	Print Post
	Lin, Just read this work, very enjoyable. It's far more structured than anything i write, i'm simply not working at the level...so i'm a little intimidated by suggesting an alternative to S1 L4, but here it is never the less.. Chills the night with minds ill ilk. Liked the work very much...and enjoyed the interaction between you and Ren as well.


	IP Logged

davidf Supreme Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 1158 Joined: Oct 25^th, 2007	Re: Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet] Reply #8 - Jul 21^st, 2009 at 11:24pm	Print Post
	Lin, I enjoyed the read here -- automatically assumed it was Jake's before I logged in to this forum and mentioned it in the "chat" forum -- apologies to you both for the mistake...but very well expressed. ~Davidf


	IP Logged

jakehansen Full Member Offline I Love Cafe Poetica! Posts: 3 Joined: Jul 10^th, 2009	Re: Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet] Reply #7 - Jul 21^st, 2009 at 4:38pm	Print Post
	nice, very good. i love the imagery here. If this were a song i believe it'd be in either Neofolk or Emotronic. in fact my friends from the band Apple Eyes would probably like it too. Sincerely - Jake


	IP Logged

Lin Topic Starter Full Member Offline I Love Cafe Poetica! Posts: 263 Location: Long Island, NY Joined: Sep 22^nd, 2008	Re: Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet] Reply #6 - Oct 11^th, 2008 at 4:05pm	Print Post
	Ren, I have to admit, in the confines of the meter, the Sonnet rules of play, it is difficult for me to correct this and still keep the feeling I intended. True enough, if it is a stumble, then my "feeling" isn't really hitting its mark. It is one I will have to tuck away, at least for not, and pull out when I'm a little more clear headed. Thank you for your direction. It will be kept in mind when I can focus on this. Lin


	IP Logged

duetsdove Supreme Member Offline Posts: 9328 Location: Somewhere near a pebble Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Re: Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet] Reply #5 - Oct 4^th, 2008 at 12:51pm	Print Post
	Lin wrote on Oct 3^rd, 2008 at 8:47pm: Ren, About that S1, L4, again. I've had some folks tell me that the line is a stumbler - not the iamb but the content. Chills down is simply awkward language and where the line should flow. . .it causes people to stop, yes to stumble. It is really a continuation of the thought in L3. The scream in the night that chills ones blood. I have reworked this several times. There is an old expression - cold as a withches teat - so in fact, I've mixed metaphors here. The scream chills down the night, but I want to pull in the imagery that is buried in the rest of that line - or at least part of it. It does sorely need another look. You'll forgive me the soapbox for a moment. . .the origin of the phrase colder than a witch's teat or tit. . .links the archaic thought of a witch being satanic. People who were thought to be witch's were thought to be in league with the devil. . .NOT true. Satan is a Christian construct. . .and has no place, bearing or meaning within an earth-based religion. Also back in the time of witch hunter's. . .there was the thought that the devil would leave marks on the breast. . .if such a "birthmark" was found a person was declared a witch -- all hogwash which we now know. . .there was not one true witch put to death during the Salem witch trials. . .not one of them truly practiced an earth-based religion. . .enough of my soapbox. . .smile. . .but if you're going to use that phrase. . .consider the origin and misnomer's of said phrase. . .having said all of that. . .the night becomes chilly, yes, people would not stumble over that. . .the scream could bring a chill to night. . .perhaps something like: chills the dead of night sour as witch's milk, which is still somewhat awkward. . .but it may give your muse a jiggle. . . also, are you familiar with what witch's milk is? Wtich's milk, or rather neonatal milk, is a secretion from the breast of newborn infants. . .it is a normal phenomenan. . .stories born of fear, not knowing what the secretion was, had those who did not understand the wise woman, the medicine women of old, calling it witch's milk. . .hogwash once again, of course. . .always interesting to know where our phraseology comes from and how it may influence our thoughts. . . the harlot -- the word did not originally mean a wanton woman. . .but rather a beggar or a vagabond. . .referring to men. . .then it became a positive word meaning buffoon or jester. . .and wasn't associated with women until after the 15th century. . .I always find the origins and development of words so interesting. . . I would imagine all of that is why I don't necessarily find this poem only to be dark. . .I would consider myself a harlot in virtually every sense of the word at times. . .lolol. . .cannot lie. . .on occasion I am wanton. . .smile. . .if we're honest with ourselves. . .most of us will find this poem inside us. . .smile Any suggestions? Lin


	WWW IP Logged

Lin Topic Starter Full Member Offline I Love Cafe Poetica! Posts: 263 Location: Long Island, NY Joined: Sep 22^nd, 2008	Re: Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet] Reply #4 - Oct 3^rd, 2008 at 8:47pm	Print Post
	Ren, About that S1, L4, again. I've had some folks tell me that the line is a stumbler - not the iamb but the content. It is really a continuation of the thought in L3. The scream in the night that chills ones blood. I have reworked this several times. There is an old expression - cold as a withches teat - so in fact, I've mixed metaphors here. The scream chills down the night, but I want to pull in the imagery that is buried in the rest of that line - or at least part of it. It does sorely need another look. Any suggestions? Lin


	IP Logged

duetsdove Supreme Member Offline Posts: 9328 Location: Somewhere near a pebble Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Re: Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet] Reply #3 - Oct 3^rd, 2008 at 8:05pm	Print Post
	two sides of the same coin. . .yes, the dark lust comes through. . .I have several poems built around the succubus. . .still. . .dark lust can be play. . .in a different way. . .so to speak. . .all depends on the mood and the stimulation. . .smile Ren


	WWW IP Logged

Lin Topic Starter Full Member Offline I Love Cafe Poetica! Posts: 263 Location: Long Island, NY Joined: Sep 22^nd, 2008	Re: Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet] Reply #2 - Sep 26^th, 2008 at 5:54pm	Print Post
	Thank you, Ren. I have developed poor habits with punctuation over the years. I used to be an editor for a college paper. Minimalist when it comes to punctuation. With creative writing, I took license and now that the times and styles have changed, I find myself having to take a harder look at punctuation. There are a couple of places here where the lines can use some revision - and I've looked at them and play with them, but have not been happy with my own alternatives. The piece is an analogy between lycanthropy(more of a blood lust) and sexual lust. Some of the imagery was meant to call up snarling evil canted to the feminine. It was meant for the women's point of view, and this is a dark lust, not a playful one. However, I think it can be a universally male point of view, as well. Lin


	IP Logged

duetsdove Supreme Member Offline Posts: 9328 Location: Somewhere near a pebble Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Re: Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet] Reply #1 - Sep 26^th, 2008 at 12:20pm	Print Post
	Hi Lin -- an interesting feel to this. . .the iambic pattern, for me, no sonnet scholar, flows well. . .my quibbles come in the use of the word "so". . .something could be substituted that would add more depth. . .and the fact that L4 of the first quatrain does not ring with clarity. . .I'm also a bit confused at the teeth to bare line. . .and on the way the couplet opens up. . .what I want to say is impart. . .and not imparts. . . I'd also take another look at your punctuation. . .remembering how such can be used to good effect in guiding the reader. . . the third quatrain is my favourite. . . a few cents, Ren
	« Last Edit: Sep 26^th, 2008 at 12:21pm by duetsdove »

	WWW IP Logged

Lin Topic Starter Full Member Offline I Love Cafe Poetica! Posts: 263 Location: Long Island, NY Joined: Sep 22^nd, 2008	Harlot Moon - [a dark sonnet] Sep 25^th, 2008 at 9:28pm	Print Post
	Harlot Moon Oh harlot moon who's faded blush so wanes Now dressed in inky clouds of midnight's silk The sound of madness echoes its refrains, Chills down the night as sour as witch's milk. And yet it draws - the beast within does cry To pull desire so hard, its teeth to bare A glowing pearl amidst the velvet sky - In cold illumination shines no care. The surge of fiendish blood within my veins Sent searching to complete my darkest thrill Emboldened - Only feral need remains To hold you supplicated to my will... Imparts a heat that rends flesh into dust Or have you now, fulfill this wanton lust. Lin Cava © 19-February-2008 Sonnet Shakespearean Iambic Pentameter


	IP Logged

Page Index Toggle

Pages: 1

‹ Previous Topic | Next Topic ›

« Board Index ‹ Board Top

Top

PoemTrain » Powered by YaBB 2.6.12!
YaBB Forum Software © 2000-2024. All Rights Reserved.

Valid XHTML

Valid CSS

Powered by Perl

Source Forge