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Odd Pursuer (Read 154 times)

literarius Topic Starter Full Member Offline "Beauty is truth, truth beauty." Posts: 315 Location: Nova Scotia Joined: Nov 7^th, 2004	Re: Odd Pursuer Reply #4 - Sep 15^th, 2008 at 12:59pm	Print Post
	Thanks a bunch guys. Every bit helps; I think it's time for a rewrite.


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Terence Gold Star Member Offline in an English country garden ... Posts: 900 Joined: Mar 15^th, 2006	Re: Odd Pursuer Reply #3 - Sep 15^th, 2008 at 12:28am	Print Post
	Hi literarius, A thought - She runs through silence, waking forests cold, with choking breath and stifled cries, pursued by something only night could hold unknown, like somber skies. She falls to --ground, where moss and mould receive her where she lies, and then her dark pursuer stands to scold before it flies away. -or- before it flies into the skies.


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davidf Supreme Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 1158 Joined: Oct 25^th, 2007	Re: Odd Pursuer Reply #2 - Sep 14^th, 2008 at 1:54am	Print Post
	I can't help you out much either, but I would try to find a rhyme in line 7 to go with lies and skies. ~Davidf


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nas Supreme Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 9444 Joined: Sep 11^th, 2006	Re: Odd Pursuer Reply #1 - Sep 13^th, 2008 at 8:14pm	Print Post
	I'm not sure I can help you much, I don't generally do odd but the last line does need more of a wow factor. My tendency would be to go dark and grim. Also did you deliberately deviate from your rhyme scheme? Perhaps "odd" in line 7 isn't necessary. It's in the title and the poem should show it.


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literarius Topic Starter Full Member Offline "Beauty is truth, truth beauty." Posts: 315 Location: Nova Scotia Joined: Nov 7^th, 2004	Odd Pursuer Sep 13^th, 2008 at 7:09pm	Print Post
	A little help with this one would be nice,... I can't seem to make it odd enough. Odd Pursuer She runs through silence, waking forests cold, with panting breath and cries, pursued by something only night could hold unknown, like hiding skies. She falls to drastic ground, where moss and mould receive her where she lies, and then her odd pursuer stands to scold then quickly disappears.


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