Eric,

I don't know if "sloppy" is being fair to yourself --- look how I can often butcher IP ~smile~.

I really liked this one so I hope you consider it a keeper.

Norm

Picture yourself being pitched this flick!


ASSassins from Mars!  If you read this aloud just the right way you'll actually be using ASSonance ~smile~
 
Okay, here's the first scene, My Friends...Can You Dig? 
The opening credits roll 
over a fogbound offshore oil rig. 
abandoned: there isn't a soul why no caps on "abandoned if rig has a period? 
around for miles. Then the cigarette boat 
pulls up the the waterline dock. 
[Tight zoom: The driver in a navy pea coat 
snaps "Right on time...Three o'clock!"] I love the stage directions, Eric
 
They're smugglers, yeah, but not hauling dope...no. 
Their payload is way more high-priced. 
Tied up to the dock, the boat sways to and fro 
and three women with eyes cold as ice 
disembark and ascend the now long rusted stairs 
to the quarters that once served the crew 
of this historic relic. (It COULD use repairs.) 
[Zoom outward...to orbital view.] 
 
[voiceover] 
"It's 2430 and things that burn oil 
have been outlawed for hundreds of years: 
robots have taken on most of our toil 
as humanity shifted its gears 
to a life that's been scheduled and made "Oh, so safe!" maybe write this as oh-so-safe >> without quotes? 
for the occupants of Planet Earth." quote out of place here?
Even from here in the past, there's a trace 
in his voice, of not-quite-stifled mirth. 
 
********** 
 
This is the story: Those women you saw   
have just met with 'the Powers that Be'. 
The claimed emmissaries of Colony Mars, 
(they were really assassins, you see): 
From this scene, it's all flashback. Their mission unfolds 
dealing death to the FatCats down here 
to liberate those that the government holds   
in a life with no hope, joy or fear. a little awkward IMHO
 
They used drugs and seduction and just plain old guns 
[tightly edited violence on screen 
with blood, gore and sex.] Those Government sons- 
of-bitches learn, too late, we mean 
to have back our lives (even danger and dirt) 
and be rid of their psychotic rule. 
Our three killer ladies stab, blow up (or flirt) 
their way through the ruling 'gene pool'. love this stanza 
 
Now, with disorder spread and the well-planted seeds  rough read ---
of revolt sown behind them, they fly 
to our smuggler friend, who, aware of their needs 
has the cigarette-boat standing by. 
Their spaceship will meet them at this offshore well 
and they'll make their escape to the stars... 
leaving behind a world become hell. 
(Hell! They'd even closed down all the bars!) 
 
 
********** 
(But Eric...did the bad guys win?) 
********** 
 
So, are we left here, helpless, unable to fight? 
Will there now be a conquering horde 
of invading spaceships in wave upon flight? 
[The audience waits on The Word!] ah-ha --- with a capital "W", eh?
Who won? The People of Earth? These disguised   
killer aliens? (No they weren't human chicks!) 
Doesn't matter...there ARE no Good Guys 
in Quentin Tarrantino Flicks! [b~]smile~[/b]

...love it --- very effective and well done.

Norm