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Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher (Revised) (Read 61 times)

Normpo Forum Administrator Offline Posts: 10834 Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Re: Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher (Revised) Reply #5 - Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	Doug, Rene said it all well though I do not like the "hiccup" (sorry Rene) ~smile~. And I also don't agree with Daniels about "inventing" some catchy intro to this, Th readers knows where s/he is by the title. I liked this then --- I like it even more now. Norm


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Just_Daniel Ex Member Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr	opening punch... Reply #4 - Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	I still think you need an opening... so might you be... My mind dances, jabbing at shadows or the like? Lightly, Daniel 8)
	« Last Edit: Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am by »

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D. Allen Jenkins Topic Starter Ex Member All I got was a rock	Re: Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher Reply #3 - Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	Rene, Daniel; Thanks for stopping by and taking a swing at this one. As you can see, I've made some revisions, in fact nearly all of them verbatum to your suggestions, with a couple of exceptions. 1) Rene, while I see your point, I've retained "absence" against "hiccup" because of its direct relationship to the question of breathlessness at the conclusion of the poem. ...am I the only one/breathless at round's end? 2) For the time being, Daniel, I've eliminated the opening line until I can find a phrase that finds its mark. I am curious about your suggested approach; I just haven't discovered my footing as of yet, and foot work is everything. Thanks again for climbing in the ring, Doug


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Just_Daniel Ex Member Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr	shadowy figurin'... Reply #2 - Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	Hey Doug... I really like this... kind of the internal airings of a shadow-boxer! I totally agree with each of Rene's observations, though I might suggest a DIFFERENT opening, rather than eliminating it... maybe something like: I ponder, flailing amid shadows... Lightly clenching my feeble fists, Daniel
	« Last Edit: Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am by »

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duetsdove Ex Member	Re: Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher Reply #1 - Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	Hey Doug. . .a valid question. . .though I think the "atmosphere" can tolerate the blows far better than we. . .especially those of the one-man fight nature. smile Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher I wonder, I might consider eliminating this opening and begin with does does the atmosphere absorb the pain of punches thrown in one man fights;one-man with hyphenation does the wind howl at the connection of fist and air; possibly of fist to air rather than and can the absence of a breeze maybe can the hiccup of a breeze indicate a direct hit to the solar plexus— a knock out blow that drops knock-out hypenated my pneumatic enemy to its knees, or, am I the only one and I might consider separating these two lines from the rest of the work. breathless at round’s end? Just a few cents. . .enjoyed. © D. Allen Jenkins[/b] [/quote]


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D. Allen Jenkins Topic Starter Ex Member All I got was a rock	Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher (Revised) Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	I found this one buried in my files, and thought I'd pull it out for some fresh perspective. I don't recall if I ever posted this here initially, but if I did I've tried to play with it a little so it's somewhat different from my original effort. Thanks, Doug Revision I Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher Does the atmosphere absorb the pain of punches thrown in one-man fights; does the wind howl with the connection of fist to air; can the absence of a breeze indicate a direct hit to the solar plexus— a knock-out blow that drops my pneumatic enemy to its knees, or, am I the only one breathless at round’s end? © D. Allen Jenkins ******************************* Original.... Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher I wonder, does the atmosphere absorb the pain of punches thrown in one man fights; does the wind howl at the connection of fist and air; can the absence of a breeze indicate a direct hit to the solar plexus— a knock out blow that drops my pneumatic enemy to its knees, or, am I the only one breathless at round’s end? © D. Allen Jenkins
	« Last Edit: Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am by »

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