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Normpo
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Re: Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher (Revised)
Reply #5 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Doug,

Rene said it all well though I do not like the "hiccup" (sorry Rene) ~smile~. And I also don't agree with Daniels about "inventing" some catchy intro to this, Th readers knows where s/he is by the title.

I liked this then --- I like it even more now.

Norm
  
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Just_Daniel
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opening punch...
Reply #4 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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I still think you need an opening...

so might you be...

My mind dances, jabbing at shadows

or the like?

Lightly, Daniel  8)
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D. Allen Jenkins
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Re: Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher
Reply #3 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Rene, Daniel;

Thanks for stopping by and taking a swing at this one. As you can see, I've made some revisions, in fact nearly all of them verbatum to your suggestions, with a couple of exceptions.

1) Rene, while I see your point, I've retained "absence" against "hiccup" because of its direct relationship to the question of breathlessness at the conclusion of the poem. ...am I the only one/breathless at round's end?

2) For the time being, Daniel, I've eliminated the opening line until I can find a phrase that finds its mark. I am curious about your suggested approach; I just haven't discovered my footing as of yet, and foot work is everything.

Thanks again for climbing in the ring,

Doug
  
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Just_Daniel
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shadowy figurin'...
Reply #2 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Hey Doug... I really like this... kind of the internal airings of a shadow-boxer!

I totally agree with each of Rene's observations, though I might suggest a DIFFERENT opening, rather than eliminating it...

maybe something like:

I ponder, flailing amid shadows...

Lightly clenching my feeble fists, Daniel 

« Last Edit: Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am by »  
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duetsdove
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Re: Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher
Reply #1 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Hey Doug. . .a valid question. . .though I think the "atmosphere" can tolerate the blows far better than we. . .especially those of the one-man fight nature.  *smile*

Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher

I wonder,

I might consider eliminating this opening and begin with does
 
does the atmosphere absorb the pain 
of punches thrown in one man fights;one-man with hyphenation
does the wind howl 
at the connection of fist and air; possibly of fist to air rather than and
can the absence of a breeze maybe can the hiccup of a breeze
indicate a direct hit to the solar plexus— 
a knock out blow that drops knock-out hypenated
my pneumatic enemy to its knees, 
or, am I the only one and I might consider separating these two lines from the rest of the work.
breathless at round’s end?  

Just a few cents. . .enjoyed.

© D. Allen Jenkins[/b] [/quote]
  
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D. Allen Jenkins
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Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher (Revised)
Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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I found this one buried in my files, and thought I'd pull it out for some fresh perspective. I don't recall if I ever posted this here initially, but if I did I've tried to play with it a little so it's somewhat different from my original effort. 

Thanks,

Doug


Revision I

Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher

Does the atmosphere absorb the pain 
of punches thrown in one-man fights;
does the wind howl 
with the connection of fist to air; 
can the absence of a breeze 
indicate a direct hit to the solar plexus— 
a knock-out blow that drops 
my pneumatic enemy to its knees, 

or, am I the only one 
breathless at round’s end?  

© D. Allen Jenkins

*******************************

Original....

Ponderings of a Pneumatic Puncher

I wonder,
 
does the atmosphere absorb the pain 
of punches thrown in one man fights;
does the wind howl 
at the connection of fist and air; 
can the absence of a breeze 
indicate a direct hit to the solar plexus— 
a knock out blow that drops 
my pneumatic enemy to its knees, 
or, am I the only one 
breathless at round’s end?  

© D. Allen Jenkins
« Last Edit: Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am by »  
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