Jearu,

I like the whirlwind feel of this.  I understand why you chose to do without punctuation but I don't think it would lose it's feel if you added punctation and it might be a bit easier on the reader.  Aside from the lines mentioned eariler, I also stumbled on:

the wedding band
a band of gold
on your third finger

I would choose a different word for the second "band" and I don't think "third" is needed.  Perhaps this...

the wedding band
a ring of gold
on your finger

Over all I think this really gives a feel of the turmoil of a marriage ending.  Nice job.

Monique

Daniel, he really is my Dad, he got me interested in Poem Train.

Rene, like I'd said to writer, I did stumble with the rhythm on the last lines, and this will be revised at some point to try and clean up some of it.

thank you both for your crit, I appreciate it.


j.

Just hittin' the road, but wanted you to know I'd read this with the exact same impressions as 'Dad' (Is that his name, or is he your dad? I've not been here lately; just curious, and I don't know either of your names.)

Sad stream-of-conscious tale, though not written sadly (badly) 

deLightin' to meet you in print, Daniel  8)

jearu,

I like the stream of conscious style of this, though the rhythm staggers a bit in the last few lines.

on your mind is               your thoughts are all
the action of divorce           on the divorce
he comes home                  when he comes home
your voice is coarse            your voice is hoarse
the papers are signed        papers are signed
the properties split             and assets split
as you're thinking               as you're thinking
"this is it"                      "this is it"

just some thoughts.

Dad

bells are ringing
for the wedding
thoughts are screaming
palms are sweating
getting ready
to say "I do"
wondering if this
is right for you
walking up
to take his hand
to receive
the wedding band
a band of gold
on your third finger
the wedding kiss
is bound to linger
four years later
time's a flyin'
two kids born
the love is dyin'
in his drawer
you've found more
than you've ever
bargained for
you read the note
and at the end
you find it's signed
by your best friend
on your mind is
the action of divorce
he comes home
your voice is coarse
the papers are signed
the properties split
as you're thinking
"this is it"




I meant for no punctuation.
When I wrote it, then later read it, I thought of a spiral, and when I reached the last line, it was like hitting rock-bottom.
Please be gentle, it's my first Firebox post. 


j.