Helloooo Yvonne,

i would say that Mr. Jenkins' review is very helpful. i did do so research and found out a few things regarding daffodils. 1. A variant of daffodils do bulb and open in the fall. 2. The genus name of daffodil is Narcissus (from the famous Greek character that drowned himself attempting to embrace his image--just in case you didn't know  ). 3. Daffodil is (surpise) a narcotic, once used to treat epilepsy. What does this all mean in regards to your sonnet?

The two structural problems i see with this piece are large enough that i will hold off offering metric/syntax help until you are certain with the layoff of this one. 

The first problem: You expressed to Mr. Jenkins you were uncertain as to the time setting. i think the title and point one from above pretty much puts the narrator (from now on just N) in the autumn longing for the spring.

The other problem: Also as you mentioned, the couplet is not supported well enough in the previous stanzas. It is the final couplet that you should consider working backwards into the poem and incorporate how these two lines will work. In fact, understanding nature's crafts(person)ship is not addressed at all.

For example--the first line about 'falling to earth' is not inferred anywhere except with the leaves. This makes me think that the N is either an angel, bird or sitting in a tree. 

Since the theme is comparing nature to a work of art i would consider changing "trail" of mortal strokes in the last line to something that reflects art like 'canvas' or 'composition', etc.

If this Petrarchan in style, then perhaps S2 could be a combination of both depiction of the path to the daffodils and the uncertainity of the N. This could be accomplished by alterating the point of view from the N knowing where this pond to discovering (or rhetorically rediscovering) it and realizing (again) that daffodils give warm, beauty even in this time of the year. 
This would put your turn on the traditional L9 and you could go from there.

Yes, per usual i said too much. Hope this helps. 
Cheers ~tim

Yvonne,

It seems to me that the Poem Train might be included in the "crisp and fragile rustlings of the dead", so I'll try to breathe a little Spring into things.

I think you have a good start here, but a bit of 
pruning and a few adjustments to the soil could really make this bloom beautifully. 

Specific thoughts are within the text...

Doug

**************

November leaves are spiraling to ground,

[I stumbled with the iambics on spiraling, which I scan more as SPI-ral-ing, rather than the forced SPI-ra-LING. The word's sound mimicks its meaning by starting high (accented) and plummeting downward (two unaccented syllables).

surrounding me in droves and tones of dread.

[I think this could be stronger, more evocotive. You use two different nouns here, droves and tones, but they are as dead as the leaves you are describing. 

I would suggest using one or the other and applying an adjective to bring theier death to life. Pehaps something like:
...surrounding me in droves of amber dread, or, 
... surrounding me with tones of amber dread/amber tones of dread.... 

I like the use of tones, because it can have dual meanings that relate to both the color (here in this line) and sound of the leaves implied in L4.]


Their brittle bodies freely roam around[;]
like [a] crisp and fragile rustling of the dead.

But sunlight resurrects the trees and hills[,..delete comma]  [As I interpret this, the sunlight resurrects, is a metaphor for spring returning. If so, the volta, or the change of mood/direction within the poem, is four lines too early. Generally speaking, the shift occurs at L9; you have it at L5.]

across the road[,] and near [nearby] a little pond, 
[Ponds are, by definition, little; find something else to use here that punctuates the pond for my senses.]

where I can always see the daffodils [Perhaps...where I observe a burst of daffodils...]
that stain the browning grass a yellow-blond 

[There are several things going on here that I think need some help. 

First, you have two antithetical events occurring simultaneously: grass that's browning/dying, and daffodils that are growing. One would expect both to be growing in the sping of the year. 

Secondly, stain has a negative quality that goes against your intent. Perhaps something like endows/ing, would work better. 

Thirdly, nature, and thus the daffodil, is generally considered feminine. Therefore, blond, should be spelled blonde, with an "e". 

Thus, L7-8 might look like this...

where I observe a burst of daffodils
endow the still brown grass with yellow-blonde...


from sun to sun[.] [T]his blotted life must be[;] 
[I'm not crazy about blotted, which would relate to my previously mentioned dislike of stain. Both words carry a neagtive intonation that is contray to the idea of life spring forth anew.]

like in the spring when cherry blooms unfold 

[Blooms should be blossoms, but that will cause a real fungus to grow on your meter and rhyme schemes; Not sure what to suggest.]

and catch the nearest breeze to wander free 
among these thoughts that spin within the cold.

I’ll fall to earth before I understand,
this trail of mortal strokes by nature’s hand.

[The couplet throws me completely. From reading  this alone, I would gather that you are lamenting the cycle of life and death. But the use of daffodils implies that autumn (and by default, winter) has passed and spring is returning, as daffodils are typically the first flowers to bloom in the spring of the year. Perhaps its just my own fogginess, but my head is spinning to discern which direction your are going with this.]


©Yvonne Sitki

Just some thoughts,

Doug

Yvonne,

S1 seems basically fine to me. Here are a few minor changes to S2 that helped me read it better.

"But Spring then resurrects the trees and hills. 
Across the field, beside a little pond,
is where I always see the daffodils. 
They stain the browning grass a yellow-blond"

nb I wasn't sure about 'the road' as that sounds place-specific, which it may be to you. 'a road' or 'a field' is more generic but is too much like 'a little pond'.

Perhaps this will give you start on some other adjustments while your muse catches up with you. 

        Terence

Hi Yvonne,

     It’s a little quiet just now so let me give some feedback on your Shakespearean sonnet.

You seem to have the form and meter down perfectly. I’m not sure that you need the commas where they are. You already have a pause at the end of S1 L1 so I don’t know you need that comma. In S2, if the ‘little pond’ is where you see the daffodils I would tend to move the comma from after ‘pond’ to after ‘road’. I’ve tried other combinations of related subjects in S2 without coming up with a good read with ‘across the road’.
Other than that, as often happens, I’m not getting the metaphor that would help me understand the couplet.

     A good addition to our collection. 

            Terence