Each stanza has some charm as a miniature poem of its own....resulting in what would be considered quite excellent haiku  (though I realize it is not haiku) from an impression standpoint.   As a poem, however, it lacks flow from stanza to stanza....and I read it in little jerks, which was somewhat unnerving.   I think something might be done with this, and I'd like to see a revision.

I took the liberty to paste your revision into your original post in this thread so readers can see what you have done.

I think you did a GREAT jobn with the re-write (punctuation).  Here are just one sentence structure suggestion for S2:


Fingers are folded together,   
like a basket,   
where we keep our hearts.   

Norm

Quote:

Summer's End 

Hi there ...

Hmmm - I just wrote the same thing I'm about to say on the last poem I critiqued: 
in a free verse poem such as this, I am not convinced you gain anything by having caps at the beginning of each line? It makes me want to stop and pause after each line .... just thoughts.
 
Dusty pink skies I like the use of "s" sounds here as they are read aloud -- intended or not!
Ordain this twilight I like the personified metaphor here --- good
As if it were frozen on film 
 
Fingers folding together  this beginning to sound like a lesson on literary terms -- alliteration here)
Like a basket   a simile here ~smile~
Where we keep our hearts 
 
Children run ahead you have opted to use no punctuation at all in this poem yet I think you'd be better served to use it throughout --- here, for example, you surely need a pause after "ahead"
Four excited puppies 
Exploring unbroken freedom 
 
Protective parents watch 
As small ones dance with nature 
Proving all God made is good 
 
Mother's eyes shine like the sun 
As she turns towards laughter that awkward phrasing, to me
Holds summer captive one more day 
 
I file these fleeing memories 
Like precious photographs 
To retrieve on rainy afternoons 

I like the intent of the final stanza and feel your title should better prepare us for it as a recapitulation.

This is a fine effort and I enjoyed the read.  Use or lose my suggestions.

Norm
 

Revised --- 10/27/05

Summer's End
 
Dusty pink skies  
ordain this twilight  
as if it were frozen on film.  
 
Fingers are folded together,  
like a basket,  
where we keep our hearts.  
 
Children run ahead,  
four excited puppies,  
exploring unbroken freedom.  
 
Protective parents watch  
as small ones dance with nature,  
proving all God made is good.  
 
Mother's eyes shine like the sun.  
She turns towards laughter that  
holds summer captive one more day.  
 
I file these fleeing memories,  
like precious photographs  
to retrieve on rainy afternoons

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Original:

Summer's End


Dusty pink skies
Ordain this twilight
As if it were frozen on film

Fingers folding together
Like a basket
Where we keep our hearts

Children run ahead
Four excited puppies
Exploring unbroken freedom

Protective parents watch
As small ones dance with nature
Proving all God made is good

Mother's eyes shine like the sun
As she turns towards laughter that
Holds summer captive one more day

I file these fleeing memories
Like precious photographs
To retrieve on rainy afternoons