Tim,

Very "Vilannelle-ish" -- I like you in form  ~smile~.

L8 -- "again" ?? Lost the rhyme scheme on purpose??

I'm not going to get fussy about the meter lapses because it reads just fine when read aloud.

Here's a link you might want to read?  We also have  several Villanelles posted here in the Cafe -- I just posted one in Main line after reading another one there -- Mine is "A Vanilla Villanelle"
http://www.poets.org/poetsorg/text/poetic-form-villanelle

Do you want to put this in On Track for a more detailed crit?

Norm

Online RPG Blues*

I’m trapped inside another world,
where orcs raze villages, and animate the dead.
The subscription fees, alone, amount to a large pearl.

The king’s army still three days’ march, the flower girl
repeats with each click, “I have roses of the reddest red.” 
I’m trapped inside this programmed world.

Someone sets fire to the fields, snakes pop in a smoky blur,
and our Elven scout has died of hunger again. 
Now, rations in the shop’s menu cost a giant pearl.

When the evil warlock’s (are there good ones?) flag is unfurled,
we flee to the low-res hills, stealing the townsfolk’s last loaf of bread.
I’m trapped inside this glitchy world.

Ravenous, I trace the other players by their log-in URLs,
and kill them, hoping to be transferred to Lord Alfred’s
quest to save his goat-daughter using a magic pearl.

I should have chosen to be a mage who can hurl
fireballs. Instead, I keep the bodies in a freezer, bled
out and trimmed, in case of siege. I’m trapped inside this world,
as orcs in sniper gear string the rooftops like black pearls.



*RPG = Roleplaying Game (think: Dungeons & Dragons, for example)
Edit: S1L1 "trapped inside this world" to "trapped inside another world"
s6L4 "like an oyster, as orcs string..." to "as orcs in sniper gear string..."