PoemTrain - Jet Lag

Change Template:

Choose Language:

PoemTrain › Writer's Depot › On Track (OT) › Jet Lag

(Moderators: Prose, Normpo)

‹ Previous Topic | Next Topic ›

Page Index Toggle

Pages: 1

Normal Topic

Jet Lag (Read 372 times)

nas Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 9444 Joined: Sep 11^th, 2006	Re: Jet Lag Reply #7 - Mar 27^th, 2012 at 5:52am	Print Post
	Thanks for your thoughts. The day starts is probably enough


	IP Logged

WildCityWoman Supreme Member Offline Yeah - me again! Still rockin'! Posts: 4415 Location: Toronto, Canada Joined: Sep 19^th, 2003	Re: Jet Lag Reply #6 - Mar 25^th, 2012 at 10:25am	Print Post
	Maybe let go of the 'function'. It isn't the day that starts to function - it's you. ... the day starts It's enough, methinks. I like the way you write your poetry, just as if you're putting words to thought - just one continuous flow. There's nothing for the reader to bang her head against the wall trying to figure it out. It comes so smoothly and is easily understood.


	WWW IP Logged

nas Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 9444 Joined: Sep 11^th, 2006	Re: Jet Lag Reply #5 - Mar 5^th, 2012 at 9:15pm	Print Post
	lol ... so much for my very innocently intended comment, remembering our retreat of a few years ago - four wonderful days thanks to your and Vicki's very kind hospitality smile


	IP Logged

Normpo Forum Administrator Offline Posts: 10839 Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Re: Jet Lag Reply #4 - Mar 5^th, 2012 at 11:37am	Print Post
	nas, "... I find it hard to shift my sleep pattern (as Norm will remember) " Now THAT remark has some rather weird implications --- darned if I'm going to try and explain it ~smile~ Norm


	IP Logged

nas Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 9444 Joined: Sep 11^th, 2006	Re: Jet Lag Reply #3 - Mar 5^th, 2012 at 6:59am	Print Post
	Thanks very much Norm and Terence, I'll have a look at that line and see if I can word it better. I don't sleep very well on aeroplanes and find it hard to shift my sleep pattern (as Norm will remember) and then the effects of not sleeping catch up with me.


	IP Logged

Terence Gold Star Member Offline in an English country garden ... Posts: 900 Joined: Mar 15^th, 2006	Re: Jet Lag Reply #2 - Mar 3^rd, 2012 at 5:43pm	Print Post
	This is a style of writing which I find hard to critique, mainly because it reads well as is. I basically agree with Norm on the one line and you could maybe continue that line from the prior line by omitting "gone". I can somewhat relate from when I travelled but I was able to sleep on most flights. I can relate more from my late nights on the town Terence


	IP Logged

Normpo Forum Administrator Offline Posts: 10839 Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Re: Jet Lag Reply #1 - Mar 3^rd, 2012 at 3:22pm	Print Post
	Jet Lag The bands round my head 'round are too tight this morning, squeezing, crushing blood vessels, constricting thoughts into centrifugal pain. boy, I know that feeling -- very aptly depicted! It’s too late to sleep, too early to wake , brain fixed on old habits screaming objection in both hemispheres. New-born energy glimmers and fades, gone before the day’s started to function. this line is awkward to me -- I feel like you struiggled with it yourself?? I’m left stranded , slipping and stumbling over black volcanic rocks while luminous numbers count down time behind my eyes. You have aptly described the pain of the process -- very real, indeed ... I like this a lot Solution --- don't travel so muchj ~smile~


	IP Logged

nas Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 9444 Joined: Sep 11^th, 2006	Jet Lag Feb 27^th, 2012 at 12:54pm	Print Post
	Jet Lag The bands round my head are too tight this morning squeezing, crushing blood vessels, constricting thoughts into centrifugal pain. It’s too late to sleep too early to wake brain fixed on old habits screaming objection in both hemispheres. New-born energy glimmers and fades, gone before the day’s started to function. I’m left stranded slipping and stumbling over black volcanic rocks while luminous numbers count down time behind my eyes.


	IP Logged

Page Index Toggle

Pages: 1

‹ Previous Topic | Next Topic ›

« Board Index ‹ Board Top

Top

PoemTrain » Powered by YaBB 2.6.12!
YaBB Forum Software © 2000-2026. All Rights Reserved.

Valid XHTML

Valid CSS

Powered by Perl

Source Forge