Paul Sands wrote on Feb 24
th, 2011 at 12:50pm:
The gormless was deliberate, more for the way dogs go bit soft in the head when playing together in water
"deep throated glee club" a choir of rock inhabiting seagulls
Hi Paul,
You do capture the pastoral, natural environments with the capacity to evoke
such lovely imagery. But the poem...
Reading this thrice, I was wondering if the N need to be in the poem at all?
Could the reader be given the scene and its majesty with just an impartial
narrator, since the current N seems to be peaceful to begin with.
In other words: while the part with the N in it shows his/her peacefulness
aptly, there's no discovery related to the reader about the N, nothing
for us to take from his/her presence there, but the scenery, that's different...
I, too, like feathery comments as the white caps and the opening line
is lovely with the break on white before the noun is solid.
While it can certainly look like horses galloping onto the beach
(I see that) there's a mixing of symbols that's a tad startling for me
and takes me out of the poem I don't thing the poem intends.
One moment, feathery comets, the next there horses without
the transition expressed for the reader (and that's by way of
armada, which I think would be--in part--concomitant).
Yet, I would like to see horses formed out of comets if that were possible
(in the poem, not in real life---I can just go to Lake Superior for that image).
The bit about 'gormless', I would argue is not what this poem is saying.
By applying that modifier to the noun (dog) the poem tells us the dogs
are intrinsically gormless, when in reality, the gormless is an adverb
which should be applied to their actions. However, I'm still not sure
about that word either. The dogs are playing with abandonment, no?
It allows for stupidity and clumsiness to enter the picture, but...
My next concern is "deep throated glee club". That line appears out of nowhere
with no anchoring for the reader as to what the poem really means.
I've spent time along the North Shore, plus Mpls. has lakes that attract
gulls, but I only guessed at birds and was again pulled out of the experience
of the poem when that line popped up. I'm not concerned about the poem's
word choice, but rather its very tenuous connection to the whole.
If it has to be explained in thread, that may be a sign. I, too, am a townie
and townies will be some of those reading this piece.
What are the
threadbare promises?
in the last stanza with the introduction of the people along the beach,
I think of "Sailing to Byzantium" by
Yeats in S2 when he writes
An aged man is but a paltry thing,
A tattered coat upon a stick, unless
Soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing
For every tatter in its mortal dress, And I would add that the nigh-anthropomorphic detail of the boat
starts playing in that field, so the leap isn't so far away. That's strong.
It should be noted for the record that "carpet of crushed shells",
"...into a graphite sky, pricked with white//feathered comets skimming",
and "bow to the waves//proud and trimmed true"
I think "even in death" could be removed to strengthen that stanza;
however, I also see that this place is a type of graveyard for its inhabitants,
which makes the glee club image even more contrasting and strongly out of
place. Consider addressing that strange contradiction, briefly. Actual
graveyards get crows who are dressed like traditional undertakers, fitting,
while this place gets cheerleaders. Not fair, nor is it right.
Much to consider in this poem, and I withdraw some of my peacefulness,
because its peaceful in seemingly a kind of death. One that doesn't quite
come through, if I'm reading the emotion of the words right.
Okay, I've rambled on enough. I'm off to school.
Namasté,
~Tim
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On A Cold Beach (Read 480 times)
