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That Ol' Black Magic (Read 428 times)

peach Supreme Member Offline I Love Cafe Poetica! Posts: 1511 Joined: Apr 21^st, 2009	Re: That Ol' Black Magic Reply #9 - Oct 21^st, 2011 at 1:33am	Print Post
	Coming here has opened my eyes as basically self-taught with reading and writing, and rereading, again and again...I love your work!


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Tim Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline Posts: 4134 Location: near dusk with a halo of gnats Joined: Nov 3^rd, 2005	Re: That Ol' Black Magic Reply #8 - Feb 24^th, 2011 at 5:03am	Print Post
	Crimney, Paul, sorry for the omission. Thank you, too for stopping by. Not sure why you think you're not qualified to talk about this, if meter's not your thing, I fully welcome content treatment as if it were FV, as I mentioned above, meter has to stand on its own in content or it doesn't matter how good my ear is. But, since you like the intensity that's a good sign. I appreciate the visit sir. Namaste, ~Tim


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Tim Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline Posts: 4134 Location: near dusk with a halo of gnats Joined: Nov 3^rd, 2005	Re: That Ol' Black Magic Reply #7 - Feb 24^th, 2011 at 5:01am	Print Post
	Hi Terry, Not sure about Burton, unless you mean Tim Burton wink but I appreciate the read and your patience. As I mentioned in a different thread, I'm catching up in my classes from illness. peach, I'm not too sure either. I get a sense from reading metrical poetry, combined with the understanding that metrical should not be straight-jacketed into perfect form. I could try to write that, but I don't think it would be as interesting. What I need is more practice to understand the notion of metrical variation. However, the content is always for looking into, since that must stand on its own, meter or free-verse. Daniel!!! Wow, am I glad to read your visit here. I understand what your saying. Allow me to explain my thinking: the metrical twists of the last line and the third to the last line (tar pits it and American Gothic) was designed to echo the abnormality of the relationship. Of course, I don't need to explain to the ex-pun-ditty that I'm punning American Gothic the painting and American Gothic the counter-cultural lifestyle (i.e. Goth derived from Gothic, plus the image of Alice Cooper holding a pitchfork in overhauls is about the funniest thing I could drum up). So, the feminine endings of maggots and spinning might be, as you mention, personal taste. I also purposefully inverted ploughshares to swords, colloquially and metrically, causing a hiccup. I liked it better, since I could fit the meter the other way around, but that wouldn't explain the relationship of the two as well. So ultimately, if the upsetting of the meter is not working for you, then I think I need to think it over so more and check in with my workshop group in class (and the teacher) to see if they can add further insight. Thank you very much for your time, twas a big help. I can say it was fun to write; I may come back to blankety-blank verse more in the future. Oh yes, black candles are a stereotype of witchcraft (like pentacles, which I omitted because that was more ott than even I wanted for this piece), ever-burning, well...that's magic, right? Nas, Yeah, the shift at the end to more of her was designed to show an inseparable couple. If it doesn't work for you, then that's something I'll note for redraft. I like this poem enough to think I might submit it later, after the hard work's been done. Thanks for popping in with your feedback on the content; I'll take it all. Namaste to you all, ~Tim


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Paul Sands Full Member Offline I Love Cafe Poetica! Posts: 163 Location: United Kingdom Joined: Jan 16^th, 2011	Re: That Ol' Black Magic Reply #6 - Feb 23^rd, 2011 at 11:31pm	Print Post
	Thoroughly unqualified to even attempt to critique, but I love the intensity


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Just_Daniel Supreme Member Offline Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr Posts: 8988 Location: South West New Jersey Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Re: That Ol' Black Magic Reply #5 - Feb 23^rd, 2011 at 9:22pm	Print Post
	Tim wrote on Feb 22^nd, 2011 at 6:16am: That Ol’ Black Magic Forgive me, Tim, but I had to laugh at your opening. What it SAYS is that her eyes arrived late, which I certainly don't believe is your meaning! I'm glad to see you trying your hand at blank verse. Some who try it end up calling it blankety-blank verse, methinks. I'm not one of them. Arriving late, her eyes are rimmed with salt; She got here late; her eyes... her smile is thinning lips I would prefer She smiles with thinning... were pouting. Rain would set this moment right. For weeks we’ve spun a bottle, stopping hard on crappity smacking, fighting, fighting, crappity smacking. Nails(,) that tear my flesh and turn ploughshares to swords, are red again. We can’t refrain from spinning [Many disagree, but I personally like to carry over the extra half-beat to the following line -- unless there is come kind of a reason for not doing so, i.e. a dramatic pause or some such.] (our) stuttered curses deep into that darned, transparent bottle. Last night, during work you phoned, and we agreed it’s best we call it quits. Our friends have known these last few days, but none of them believe that you are lost in weaving dolls together made of straw resembling us. They sit in closets lit by candles, black and ever-burning. Sam, [Are the candles black? What do you mean by ever-burning? Of course this description also gives you a little burp in pure blank verse here too.] my calico, is licking clean spilt milk. [Is Sam licking the milk clean? or is he licking clean, spilt milk?] Accepting her communion of the tongue, the altar of her pelvis set--adorned with golden studs and curls--as sighs become a chant she offers me, the ceiling, God, [I don't yet understand the picture you paint in this quatrain, Tim. Maybe on a few more readings?] or maybe Satan. Pale, she squirms like maggots; [ditto what I mentioned above re extra syllable] Mascara runs, becoming tar pits that Her mascara runs; like tar pits it absorbs her eyes. like They're witches riding brooms into the night: American Gothic [The final breath's not being iambic rather jerks the ending violently in my opinion, Tim. Not sure how to 'fix' that, however.] I hope you don't mind my 'editing' this. Just wanted you to have a feel for how I feel your words. deLighting to see your venturing here... and of course I trust that all of this is imaginary on your part! - Daniel
	« Last Edit: Feb 23^rd, 2011 at 9:23pm by Just_Daniel »

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peach Supreme Member Offline I Love Cafe Poetica! Posts: 1511 Joined: Apr 21^st, 2009	Re: That Ol' Black Magic Reply #4 - Feb 23^rd, 2011 at 10:52am	Print Post
	I am not entirely sure of this, but I am absolutely certain YOUR ideas ARE magical: I tried these little adjusts for the fluidity....again , not too sure... That Ol’ Black Magic Arriving, her eyes are rimmed with salt; her smile-thin lips I prefer pouting. Nothing would set this moment right. For weeks spinning the bottle, fighting. crappity smacking, fighting, nails tear my flesh, ploughshares, turn into swords stained bright red. We can’t refrain from curses filing, running into that darn bottle-neck Last night while at work you telephoned, we agreed it's time to call it quits. Our friends predicted us to end. Try as we might we just can't make it Dolls woven together look like us, closeted with candles magic's must, as Sam, my calico licks his paws, I swallow spilled milk tears dry as dust She accepts communion on the tongue, her mouth an altar adorned, with words, silence gilded with protracted sighs, a song strung together tight with lies Squirming like maggots; mascara runs, forming tar pits that absorb her eyes, burnt out matches spent in front of shrines American Gothic dark as night
	« Last Edit: Feb 23^rd, 2011 at 12:18pm by peach »

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Terry Gold Star Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 628 Location: OR Joined: Feb 14^th, 2007	Re: That Ol' Black Magic Reply #3 - Feb 23^rd, 2011 at 7:12am	Print Post
	Tim, A soliloquy worthy of Burton...and took me straight to "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf". Terrific. Terry


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nas Supreme Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 9444 Joined: Sep 11^th, 2006	Re: That Ol' Black Magic Reply #2 - Feb 23^rd, 2011 at 5:30am	Print Post
	Hi Tim Critiquing metered poetry always scares me. I'm not proficient enough at the rhythm to give any advice. Instead I'll just look at the content, far safer ground. Quote: Arriving late, her eyes are rimmed with salt; I like this her smile is thinning lips I would prefer this will probably upset the meter but I found myself stumbling a bit over this line, maybe because of "were" perhaps "her smile thins lips I would prefer to see pouting" were pouting. Rain would set this moment right. For weeks we’ve spun a bottle, stopping hard on crappity smacking, fighting, fighting, crappity smacking. Nails, that tear my flesh and turn ploughshares to swords, are red again. We can’t refrain from spinning our stuttered curses deep into that darn, transparent bottle. Last night, during work you phoned, and we agreed it’s best we call it quits. Our friends have known these last few days, but none of them believe that you are lost in weaving dolls together made of straw resembling us. They sit in closets lit by candles, black and ever-burning. Sam, my calico, is licking clean spilt milk. Accepting her communion of the tongue, I was with you up to this point and from here there feels a shift too much on her and maybe I wanted more of the dolls and the ending of the relationship the altar of her pelvis set--adorned with golden studs and curls--as sighs become a chant she offers me, the ceiling, God, or maybe Satan. Pale, she squirms like maggots; Mascara runs, becoming tar pits that absorb her eyes like witches riding brooms into the night: American Gothic


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Tim Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline Posts: 4134 Location: near dusk with a halo of gnats Joined: Nov 3^rd, 2005	Re: That Ol' Black Magic Reply #1 - Feb 22^nd, 2011 at 6:18am	Print Post
	Please Note Fair Reader: this is my attempt at blank verse. I can produce my scansion if required. Do not let the meter scare you, give it a F.V. treatment for word choice an line breaks. It has to hold up as its own entity.


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Tim Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline Posts: 4134 Location: near dusk with a halo of gnats Joined: Nov 3^rd, 2005	That Ol' Black Magic Feb 22^nd, 2011 at 6:16am	Print Post
	That Ol’ Black Magic Arriving late, her eyes are rimmed with salt; her smile is thinning lips I would prefer were pouting. Rain would set this moment right. For weeks we’ve spun a bottle, stopping hard on crappity smacking, fighting, fighting, crappity smacking. Nails, that tear my flesh and turn ploughshares to swords, are red again. We can’t refrain from spinning our stuttered curses deep into that darned, transparent bottle. Last night, during work you phoned, and we agreed it’s best we call it quits. Our friends have known these last few days, but none of them believe that you are lost in weaving dolls together made of straw resembling us. They sit in closets lit by candles, black and ever-burning. Sam, my calico, is licking clean spilt milk. Accepting her communion of the tongue, the altar of her pelvis set--adorned with golden studs and curls--as sighs become a chant she offers me, the ceiling, God, or maybe Satan. Pale, she squirms like maggots; Mascara runs, becoming tar pits that absorb her eyes like witches riding brooms into the night: American Gothic
	« Last Edit: Feb 24^th, 2011 at 5:04am by Tim »

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