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Normpo
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Re: better duck
Reply #5 - Dec 21st, 2010 at 12:21am
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Daniel,

I don't think I can attempt crit on this --- absorbing the emotions it emits indicates it should just "be what it is."

I can hear the famous Daniel rendition of that most famous duck (no, not Daffy).

I suspect you shall waddle for a long while yet --- you have many miles to go before ......

Norm
  
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Re: better duck
Reply #4 - Dec 21st, 2010 at 12:10am
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Daniel, the emotion is so intense that when I first read this a while ago i cried and now coming back and trying to remain detached I placed my suggests to the laast lines and cried again...  But, it is why we are here and I feel a genuine feeling for that purpose as true as the emotion brought to this piece!


You must come soon. my older sister said,
but I could not
not for two more days...

Just the day before, she told me,
they had joked all night,
that Mother was ready to go home,
but the doctor, ruled that out 
this morning, with the words--
We've done all we can. Scars from pneumonia contracted 
one too many times, have left her lungs too feeble, unable
to enrich the blood that feeds her heart,


It was as though darkness filled the room,
all the joy evaporated. She said again, 
"You must come home" as if I hadn't heard
the first time,

How unfair I thought, that the heart 
my mother opened for so many
through the years, was too weak to hold to life,

I called, before I boarded my flight:
This is near the end; she's holding on.
I'm not sure you will make it...

Art, allowed, he the last
to live with her alone,
 
Everyone, else related, even friends 
were there, 
one by one, they spoke to her, shared
and cried... together and outside.

I, the only one
still so far away.
desperate, I call again.
Art whispers have to go... no time to talk. 
She's dying, Dan
.... click.

]In my mind I begin to let her go, but I feel
empty, and there's still so far to go.


Told later, it was my niece Elise who whispered,
I wish someone could talk like Donald Duck.
that way, she'd think Uncle Dan was here
.
and suddenly her husband Matt, quacked out
familiar words... in imitation...of Uncle Dan,
doing Donal Duck--

and that's when Mom let go...

Thanks to Elise and the quick,  
thoughtfulness of Matt, 
I'd made it back--
he brought me as near as I could get,
though in reality I was still so far away...

He helped me say...I love you, and it's okay...
Good-bye, Mom
« Last Edit: Dec 21st, 2010 at 12:47am by peach »  
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Re: better duck
Reply #3 - Dec 12th, 2010 at 5:54am
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My dear Daniel
I was gripped by this story and your loss.
I have missed you, friend.
Cyn
  
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Re: better duck
Reply #2 - Dec 8th, 2010 at 6:00am
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Hello Daniel~

My sympathies if this poem is autobiographical. It must be hard to lose a parent; I'm fortunate to thus far have both of mine... but I know I'll have to face that sooner or later.

I did read through nas's crit, and, truly, she mentioned many of the places I had noticed... so, to not be repetetive, I'll just 'ditto' hers, and add a few of the places where we differ:

First, I don't know if you typically enjoy writing in forms, I noticed in your reply to me on another poem, you'd mentioned 'returning' to f.v. after being away from it? Well welcome back, intrepid soul! Smiley  Anyhoo I found it interesting that I could hear echoes of meter here, I see numerous places where the writing emerges in definite iambs. Which is okay, I guess, it's just that, (in my opinion, of course) when reading, if I catch a meter, and then it's gone again, (albeit inadvertantly?) it reads slightly choppy, and confusing. I'd rather see no meter at all than mixed meter, without rhyme... if you know what I mean, here...  Wink


In S3, it may read better to put 'You must come home' in italics, to emphasize the fact that it is dialogue? just mho...

S6, same idea, for the dialogue... (italics)

Many of the strophes read like prose, to me... which is okay, sometimes, in a prose-poem, or a well-colloquialized poem, etc, yet here, I feel some condensing would really tighten up the piece, and distill its message.

Hoping to have helped a little, at least~!  Wink

My best~
Sharon

  
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Re: better duck
Reply #1 - Dec 7th, 2010 at 6:54am
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Hi Daniel

So hard to live that far away when all you want is to be there.  I remember rushing to my dad's bedside last year so anxious we wouldn't be there in time.  My sister who lives in New Zealand couldn't even attempt to come then.  It would have taken her too long.

Good to see you writing FV, a few thoughts use or discard as you wish.

Quote:
Linda called (my older Sis)... You must come soon. <<--I don't think you need the bracketed (my older sis)
but I could not for two more days...
The day before, they both had joked all night,
and she Mom was ready to go home.
The doctor came this morning, suddenly,
We've done all that we can.

Scars from pneumonia one too many times
had left her feeble lungs unable
to enrich the blood that fed that heart
with which she which reached out to so many
in her single years...
when she grew up, became a Mom
and Grandmom all at once...
to more than you could count.
 <<--I'm not sure you need to expand

When Linda talked to me, she Linda said,  <<--don't think you need to say "when she talked to me"  seems self evident
After the doctor left, it was as though
the darkness filled the room, and all the joy
evaporated suddenly. You must come home.

So two days later, I called Art
not long before I got aboard,
I called Art:
This is the end; she's holding on.
I'm not sure you will make it, though.
He was so close to Mom -- the last
to live with her alone, protecting her.

While I was in the plane, Mom's sons
and daughters, friends, grandchildren,
siblings, nieces, nephews, gathered there with her
and one by one conversed with her, and laughed
and cried... some with her, some alone, outside.
A lot of hugs... and kisses on her skinny lips.
I was the only one
not there.
Tacoma is so far away.

Chicago now, and I call Art again.
I have to go... no time to talk. She's dying.... click.
Oh, no! She'd told them she would wait
'til I got there. It hurts that she could not,
but I don't want her in that lingering pain.
I let her go, but I feel empty, helpless.
I'm the only one
not there.
There's still so far to go.

The moments just before I'd before I called,
my niece Elise, who'd lain with Mom
right up against her chest, could feel
her struggling, holding on,
like she was waiting for my voice
to say Goodbye before she flew
ahead of us to all that God's prepared.

I think it was Elise who whispered then,
I wish someone would talk like Donald Duck.
She'd know that Uncle Dan is here.
And suddenly her husband Matt quacked out
familiar words... the telephone began to ring,
Art picked it up, I have to go, no time to talk...
and Mom let go.
I was no more the only one
not there...  <<--I know what you're trying to say here but I wonder if there is more impact if you left the verse on "and Mom let go"
though I was still so far away....

The day is coming I'll see her again
and I'm not sure
that I have far to waddle on.  <<--I'm not keen on this line, it seems to bring in a humour that doesn't work.  Maybe just have "the day is coming when I'll see her again.  It won't be long"
« Last Edit: Dec 7th, 2010 at 6:56am by nas »  
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Just_Daniel
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better duck
Dec 6th, 2010 at 8:56pm
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better duck

Linda called (my older Sis)... You must come soon.
but I could not for two more days...
The day before, they both had joked all night,
and she was ready to go home.
The doctor came this morning, suddenly,
We've done all that we can.

Scars from pneumonia one too many times
had left her feeble lungs unable
to enrich the blood that fed that heart
with which she reached out to so many
in her single years...
when she grew up, became a Mom
and Grandmom all at once...
to more than you could count.

When Linda talked to me, she said,
After the doctor left, it was as though
the darkness filled the room, and all the joy
evaporated suddenly. You must come home.


So two days later, I called Art
not long before I got aboard:
This is the end; she's holding on.
I'm not sure you will make it, though.

He was so close to Mom -- the last
to live with her alone, protecting her.

While I was in the plane, Mom's sons
and daughters, friends, grandchildren,
siblings, nieces, nephews, gathered there with her
and one by one conversed with her and laughed
and cried... some with her, some alone, outside.
A lot of hugs... and kisses on her skinny lips.
I was the only one
not there.
Tacoma is so far away.

Chicago now, and I call Art again.
I have to go... no time to talk. She's dying.... click.
Oh, no! She'd told them she would wait
'til I got there. It hurts that she could not,
but I don't want her in that lingering pain.
I let her go, but I feel empty, helpless.
I'm the only one
not there.
There's still so far to go.

The moments just before I'd called, 
my niece Elise, who'd lain with Mom
right up against her chest, could feel
her struggling, holding on, 
like she was waiting for my voice
to say Goodbye before she flew
ahead of us to all that God's prepared.

I think it was Elise who whispered then,
I wish someone would talk like Donald Duck.
She'd know that Uncle Dan is here
.
And suddenly her husband Matt quacked out
familiar words... the telephone began to ring,
Art picked it up, I have to go, no time to talk...
and Mom let go.
I was no more the only one
not there...
though I was still so far away....

The day is coming I'll see her again
and I'm not sure
that I have far to waddle on.

© MLee Dickens'son 06 Dec 2010
  
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