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Transience (major revisions after posting last summer :) (Read 348 times)

Terri - theatrechica Topic Starter Full Member Offline Everyone is broken and doing their best. Love them Posts: 111 Location: Bay Shore, NY Joined: Mar 16^th, 2009	Re: Transience (major revisions after posting last summer :) Reply #7 - Sep 13^th, 2010 at 4:52pm	Print Post
	I knew what you meant.


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josephfinkleman Full Member Offline Posts: 396 Location: Sacramento, CA Joined: Sep 7^th, 2005	Re: Transience (major revisions after posting last summer :) Reply #6 - Sep 13^th, 2010 at 4:47pm	Print Post
	I realize I meant, It has a stately, solid, ponderous rhythm... Gosh I should double check each and every time, so simple . and you are welcome. Joe


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Terri - theatrechica Topic Starter Full Member Offline Everyone is broken and doing their best. Love them Posts: 111 Location: Bay Shore, NY Joined: Mar 16^th, 2009	Re: Transience (major revisions after posting last summer :) Reply #5 - Sep 13^th, 2010 at 4:36pm	Print Post
	Thank you so much, Joe.


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josephfinkleman Full Member Offline Posts: 396 Location: Sacramento, CA Joined: Sep 7^th, 2005	Re: Transience (major revisions after posting last summer :) Reply #4 - Sep 13^th, 2010 at 4:34pm	Print Post
	This is a lovely poem, I liked it before and still like it. It has the a staely solid , ponderous rhythm adding to the imagery, I really think it is a fine piece of writing. Joe


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peach Supreme Member Offline I Love Cafe Poetica! Posts: 1511 Joined: Apr 21^st, 2009	Re: Transience (major revisions after posting last summer :) Reply #3 - Sep 6^th, 2010 at 4:09am	Print Post
	I like the sense of near despair, a little choppy in spots, at least to me---not sure where it can go but apparently not beyond right here for now...
	« Last Edit: Sep 13^th, 2010 at 5:26pm by peach »

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Terri - theatrechica Topic Starter Full Member Offline Everyone is broken and doing their best. Love them Posts: 111 Location: Bay Shore, NY Joined: Mar 16^th, 2009	Re: Transience (major revisions after posting last summer :) Reply #2 - Sep 6^th, 2010 at 1:00am	Print Post
	Thanks, Nas. Gave me some great stuff to think about!


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nas Supreme Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 9444 Joined: Sep 11^th, 2006	Re: Transience (major revisions after posting last summer :) Reply #1 - Sep 3^rd, 2010 at 12:11pm	Print Post
	Hi Terri Lovely imagery and the sense contrasts between you and the area. Quote: Crows fly in formation toward solid steel, the bridge <<--this doesn't quite flow from the previous line though I do like how you contrast it to the crows flying a flightless bird, clipped wings, chipped paint, gray upon gray the color of permanence. I am aware of taking up space. <<--why are you so aware of taking up space? The winter sun stains the edge of these South Bronx projects, an experiment in cloning, one brick wall identical to another, standing dutiful soldiers standing to attention at roll call. The last light bounces bouncing off vacant windows becomes an extravagance- a sacred ceremony between sun and steel. Time stops, enough to hear my pulse- my lack of permanence. I shift my bag left shoulder to right, leave the sun slipping off the street signs. <<--I think these last two lines could be stronger. At the moment it just feels as if you were leaving the sun whereas I imagine there's a whole lot more you are leaving behind. Hope something helps. Thanks for sharing.


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Terri - theatrechica Topic Starter Full Member Offline Everyone is broken and doing their best. Love them Posts: 111 Location: Bay Shore, NY Joined: Mar 16^th, 2009	Transience (major revisions after posting last summer :) Aug 29^th, 2010 at 7:00pm	Print Post
	Transience Crows fly in formation toward solid steel, the bridge a flightless bird, clipped wings, chipped paint, gray upon gray the color of permanence. I am aware of taking up space. The winter sun stains the edge of these South Bronx projects, an experiment in cloning, one brick wall identical to another, standing dutiful soldiers at roll call. The last light bounces off vacant windows becomes an extravagance- a sacred ceremony between sun and steel. Time stops, enough to hear my pulse- my lack of permanence. I shift my bag left shoulder to right, leave the sun slipping off the street signs.


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