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peach
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Re: knowing
Reply #5 - Oct 31st, 2011 at 9:46pm
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nas wrote on Aug 5th, 2010 at 8:21pm:
Hi Peach

Sad but I can't quite decide whether the hurt and loss is through death or the partner leaving.  Other-worldly points to the former yet spurned, which implies a rejection.

You also need to decide whether you are going to rhyme and do so through all verses or change so none rhymes.




Correct and followed, choosing rhyme!
  
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josephfinkleman
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Re: knowing
Reply #4 - Aug 6th, 2010 at 6:02pm
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Nas, as usual a very good critique.  I learn from your skills, in very small bits and pieces.  I think that the critique was exactly right.  Peach, you are a powerful writer, and prolific which is so energizing.  Joe
  
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nas
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Re: knowing
Reply #3 - Aug 6th, 2010 at 4:48am
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Hope all is ok Peach and you win the struggle.
  
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peach
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Re: knowing
Reply #2 - Aug 6th, 2010 at 3:04am
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thanks nas - as usual you are correct, sort of struggling on a couple fronts, lately... will be back!
« Last Edit: Aug 6th, 2010 at 7:18pm by peach »  
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nas
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Re: knowing
Reply #1 - Aug 5th, 2010 at 8:21pm
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Hi Peach

Sad but I can't quite decide whether the hurt and loss is through death or the partner leaving.  Other-worldly points to the former yet spurned, which implies a rejection.

You also need to decide whether you are going to rhyme and do so through all verses or change so none rhymes.
  
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peach
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***   Stricken
Aug 3rd, 2010 at 3:52am
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Left reeling by your absence
pitched side-ways by the blow, 
my body weak and boneless 
deprived of heart and soul.

A painful stinging swell 
resides now in this space,
overwhelming sadness
engulfs this empty place.

Heavy as a storm cloud
thunder-loud, gale slick,
crushing with such emotion,
shouting until sick 

Partners too soon parted,
as echoes rise and fall 
each one disappearing
as if never there at all...   
« Last Edit: Nov 30th, 2011 at 3:23am by peach »  
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