I REALLY LOVE THIS with no real suggests for YOUR  WORK heartfelt and well expressed

The changes I placed below are purely from my reaction to your piece and for the sake of seeing it with a somewhat more positive slant 


dark approaches the horizon
as forgetfulness foreshadows time
minutes gathered into hours
as I watched the light leave 
your eyes,

the scale tipped, as the past  
weighed down, 
you disappeared 

I saw within those hollowed orbs 
someone blankly indifferent,
as any passerby

my rock, my support
my brother, gone,
at struggle's end, 
the ravaged tattered
remains of life, sorely tested 

the pain as the burn of the sun
settled and set
light dimmed
to darkness
in its stark and heavy
cloak 
l am enveloped
in the chill
of loss



*****************************************************


he approaches the horizon
as the sun in passing 
risks the shadows-- 
as absence, forgetfulness

as the ebb of time - 
minutes fold to dusk
light lost
as from eyes, remembered, 
brightness sunken to dull

grief resonates 
as no other emotion
stillness blocks revival

as scaled rock, it does not fall away--
it eventually levels
the climber finding balance 
Between the fear 
and the challenge-life is lived.


where at the pinnacle
I stand, to listen 
for the wind
to whisper
your name 

Hello, the sentiment here come across well, as do the images. I have a few suggestions, however.




Quote:




You might play with Sun as a Son, (a dark Son) lost, he remarks on the brother? or vise versa. The strikethrough I've used display sections that could be much stronger, imo.

Thanks for the read, 
Mark