PoemTrain - I Can Never Read This To You

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I Can Never Read This To You (Read 173 times)

zenmaster Full Member Offline I Love Cafe Poetica! Posts: 82 Joined: Jan 6^th, 2010	Re: I Can Never Read This To You Reply #4 - Jan 26^th, 2010 at 1:24am	Print Post
	Terry wrote on Jan 23^rd, 2010 at 3:00am: Frank, I dream: That you might again walk alone ( This part seems cumbersome to me, something I noticed reading it aloud) along a river's bank and watch a bird who's wings breach? winds to take flight; ( Maybe I am reading this wrong, did you mean breach winds to take flight?, not sure what breech winds would mean unless I am missing some imagery here) Just my thoughts as I read it, some great images in there, I especially like telling shadow.


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peach Supreme Member Offline I Love Cafe Poetica! Posts: 1511 Joined: Apr 21^st, 2009	Re: Frankly told Reply #3 - Jan 25^th, 2010 at 4:33pm	Print Post
	Evidently a meanigful history between these lines split a little to add the curtness of pain that seems shot through the words! A poem for Frank I dream I am watching you as you walk a river bank struck as a bird wings into flight defying gravity back bent shoulder pressed in rest against a tree fatigue casts, a telling shadow downstream, my imagination holds your image, clear, caged and dear you straighten, standing tall and fearless waiting for your chance at the sky
	« Last Edit: Jan 25^th, 2010 at 4:36pm by peach »

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Terry Topic Starter Gold Star Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 628 Location: OR Joined: Feb 14^th, 2007	Re: I Can Never Read This To You Reply #2 - Jan 23^rd, 2010 at 7:24am	Print Post
	Thank you Nas, I think I wish to use the crit in it's entirety. Terry


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nas Supreme Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 9444 Joined: Sep 11^th, 2006	Re: I Can Never Read This To You Reply #1 - Jan 23^rd, 2010 at 6:51am	Print Post
	Hi Terry, Some lovely image, just a few thoughts - changing some of the line breaks and ease flow of reading. Use or reject as you wiish. Quote: Frank, I dream you might again walk alone along a river bank and watch a bird whose wings breech winds to take flight; then with your bent and sweating back brush against God's trees not in supplication but fearful that you might cast the telling shadow downstream, where you're imagination holds caged and dear you're quarry that awaits the presentation of the fly.


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Terry Topic Starter Gold Star Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 628 Location: OR Joined: Feb 14^th, 2007	I Can Never Read This To You Jan 23^rd, 2010 at 3:00am	Print Post
	Frank, I dream: That you might again walk alone along a river's bank and watch a bird who's wings breech winds take flight; then with you're bent and sweating back brush against God's trees not in supplication but fearful that you might cast the telling shadow downstream, where you're imagination holds caged and dear you're quarry that awaits the presentation of the fly.


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