1)both versions have much to offer--I think if you would slowly read and try to imagine how the reader is SEEING the slide show presentation, delivered with your words...it might evoke the feelings you felt at the time of the experience, 2)listen to how it sounds to the ear...also the connect to the title--point of view, where it's going helping the reader connect to the mood elicited with your words

sea winds

soften some of the hard words-pull in some descriptive images, connect to as emotion of why it is important enough to want to tell someone about it...

Hi there (Thoth) Wally

I think you missed the point a little but then my writing was 'sloppy.' 

I do hope you didn't tread on a child to prove your point there and I have to say that you can't have been around many todlers who do emmit many sounds that sound like growls when they're frustrated- well to me they do anyway.

I have to say I tend to like to give and recieve constructive criticism but each to there own eh! Do remember which board you're on, you wouldn't want to get confused. 

Having said that I have gone over the poem again to clarify  some of the points that I think confused you and hopefully have removed some of the 'sloppiness'.

Rufus

Hi Rufus,

Quite enjoyable, reminds of of some of Cape coastline here in South Africa.

I felt you could have done a lot more with this, especially since you used free-form there is no restriction in word choice.

The sketch of the beach is a little cliched and unexciting, no fresh descriptors. 

The metaphore of ;

"a child growling and thrashing about
pounding the pebble beach underfoot"

is rather odd. A child does not growl even when stood on!

Then the poem closes with thoughts of hard work and  things to come in the "new year" A sudden 90 degree turn but also a bit half-hearted IMO , nothing revealing or strong enough to make that new year resolution stick. 

Thanks for sharing,

Wally

Not sure what your ideas of beaches are like! This was based on Norfolk, UK coastline. Not really warm at the best of times, prone to brisk winds, lots of rocks and rockpools plus small cliffs of Chalk. See what you think

Wild sea winds

Eyes fixed on the sea
a brisk wind freezing the face
overhead, unsettled clouds
wild and grey water beneath
white crests peaks of wrath
a child growling and thrashing about
pounding the pebble beach underfoot

Turning away, walking on
the stones slide and shift under your weight
slow going, hard work
the activity refreshing after days of none
a wake up call to a New Year
to changes and possibilities


Rufus

Okay so now you've had a chance to pull this apart I've given it another play and here's the new version. It's a bit different to the first one but see what you think.

Eyes staring out to sea
a brisk wind freezing the face
greyed cotton wool clouds
hanging low over tossing waves
like growling frustrated toddlers.

Waves crashing into the beach
white crests, peaks of wrath
show as they fall away
pounding the pebble beach again and again
inching closer to me

A mirror to my soul
the sea holds my attention
till finally turning, I walk on
the going is slow
stones sliding underfoot
my steps deliberate, meaningful