Thanks for the suggestion Peach, not sure I want to change the tone though.

Thanks Daniel and acricket

Must do some revision on it soon.

nas- (personal taste in minimalist work) i luv this -

Craft- when you re-read, as your last post stated, then, would you consider a comma at S2L3, L4, L5? [IE- L3 to L4 says that you thought feelings not that you thought something about the feelings, L4 ro L5 says that the dead were already breathing rather than connecting the dead to a "but" and L5 to L6 says the word 'more' is grasping life.]

Again, this IS my choice of reading, not for many, who like longer forms, i enjoyed.    cricket

Hi Nas,

I know how you feel. However, some would argue that happiness through external events is fleeting and perhaps foolish to pursue.

Don’t blame me
for this one chance
to take some living
instead of restless death
bound by foolish things
that chain our minds
pushing me down
into a muddy grave.

I like this stanza very much, but think the it could be improved with better word selection. 
For example: 
opportunity instead of chance, 
invite in the living instead of to take some living, 
meandering instead of restless, et cetera.

The same is also true with the second stanza.

One last affair
riding high
upon winged feelings
I thought were dead
breathing once more
grasping life.

fling instead of affair
riding the winds instead of riding high
moribund instead of dead
reviving once more this clinging life instead of breathing once more... 

Regards,
Chaim

Thanks very much everyone for the suggestions.  I do like inhale and agree with foolish - it was one of the prompts.

I'll work on this over the weekend and post a revision.

Hi nas

Some compelling things going on here - love the opening line
draws me right in

But I would disregard the prompts here on this site though and now concentrate on the poem.

muddy grave sounds a bit cliche to me as does foolish things and riding high

and I would ditch some, if not all, of the modifiers like "restless" death

instead maybe something llike 

instead of death, restless and bound
by....

I love Ren's suggestion of inhale

the bones are here, just need a bit more meat, the fun part!
Cyn

Quote:



Confession

Don’t blame me
for this one chance
to take some living
instead of restless death
bound by foolish things
that chain our minds
pushing me down
into a muddy grave.

One last affair
riding high
upon winged feelings
I thought were dead
breathing once more
grasping life.