Hello Lin,

Lately, it seems all I've been saying in my crits is to stop the repetition and boil the work down to carmelized bottom. The smell that remains is the essence of the poem. To me, this piece is no different.
Boning up on octupi and their defense mechanism, the brightly colored (flaring) defense mechanism is only matching the background as they move through shallow areas, like the tops of coral reefs.

This suggests that this particular octupus' surroundings is filled with colorful people and s/he is merely attempting to reproduce that setting because of insecurity...or something like that. My point: this never comes across in the poem. What an aspect that's horribly lost. Adding htis dimension shows a clear reason for attacking those that intrude or intimidate that octupus. And intrusion is relative. The more this is fleshed out and added to some interesting ideas, the better. 

My suggestion is stick with one extended metaphor--the octupus and work the heck out of it. Consider writers that use animals in their work as guides. Consider starting with Oliver or Merwin as a guide. Even Ted Hughes, as in The Crow, has some poetry to offer along this vein.

Lastly, below is the heart of the poem as I feel it, nothing more. I don't offer this as a complete or healthy, lucid piece of writing; it is just what does not repeat itself and brings the compresses the images together. This version leaves a lot of room to work with in revision. See what this does for you.

Oh, consider removing the 'telly' disguise in the title. Try searching for something a little more fluid and tempting. Don't spell it all out in the title or the reader gets the end without starting the poem.




Lost


She is a layer of texture 
to suit her audience, an octopus 
for attention, flaring---yet

unspontaneous. Her softness, 
a dirk within her cloak---one must
wonder in what ways she's asunder; 

perhaps she's a toss of the dice.



Good luck!
Namaste,
~Tim

Am I overdoing it, and being too analytical for this forum?

Hi Lin, thanks for sharing such an insightful message, I liked this one a lot.

My overall impression: I didn't see a very full sense of malice developed here, no deep malevolence which is typical for topics like this, in fact, the only word that would seem to lead anyone in that direction is the word 'attack' in line 8. But even that word is combined here with the words 'blending in for'. And, with an attack being such an overt or obtrusive act, blending in is again not typical. So I'm led to believe that this topic's direction is more linear with the idea of being unable to remain true-to-oneself. I'm led to believe that the purpose of the writing here is more to portray a sense of insecurity with the person she hides, rather than with staying hidden for hiding's sake. Is that what you're trying to accomplish? It seems like your narrator here has had lots of practise camouflaging who she really is, because cuttlefish and octopuses have over the ages grown a pattern that is hard to discern from the surface. And the flashes of depth that we do see, those "special, unique qualities she exposes" are actually her, yet because of her insecurity, are carefully revealed and at what she considers the right moments. Yet, because she's had such long practise at hiding her true self, she feels that she has lost touch with it, therefore she must wonder if she will ever have the 'chance' at becoming her native identity, or if she will pay the toll of having lived such a reclusive existence. Does that concur with your thoughts?

Some Strong Points: The way the poem is organized is really helpful in portraying the steps she's taken to hide herself, and helps in the way the message is revealed by giving out small pieces of information here and there. The use of closed couplets here is perfect for your theme. I can see here also, that you've been attempting some meter, that doesn't go completely unnoticed. I also noticed that you chose some perfect candidates for natural hermits. Though cuttlefish school together, they will often venture into the shallows to feed alone. Octopuses are solitary creatures as well. And chameleons, well, they were chosen for obvious reasons. (lol) You have some good thematic phrases and words: "to suit the wishes of her audience", "layer of shadow", "blending in", "change the texture", "softness in her armour", "dirk within her cloak". The dirk is an easily concealed weapon, whereas a sword is worn at the hip, apparent to all. I like the choice. And I like the difference you illustrate in line 8; the differences in her attention-grabbing, and her personal attacking, showing how vulnerable her self-confidence really is.

Some Weak Points:
- I think that even though your writing here is evocative and thematic, I think you could have chosen still better words in certain spots to strike a truer chord to the theme: like in line 2 when you try to illustrate the layers of her life, instead of allowing her to float in the background, you could have shown the levels of life, to give you some alliteration, or if you wanted to stay away from too many poetic devices you could have used a word to further the idea of layers, like stratum, or tiers since you use water-life, or planes of shade if you wanted to keep it solemn. In line 3 you mean to show that her outer characteristics can change to suit her surroundings, yet you used the word person instead of persona, or personage or visage. When you are technically not restricting yourself with meter, you don't need to be as worried about one or two syllables. If you really did mean to choose a certain amount of syllables then maybe you should consider finding synonyms of longer or shorter length, whichever suits your purpose.
- In line 5 you use two very similar words in sequence: "special, unique". Not to sound picky but everyone has unique qualities. The choosing of this word just seems to coincide with it's common association from special. But here, in describing qualities, the word unique is not unique enough. Even the word distinct does not do the phrase justice here. Do you mean unusual? Peculiar ? Unequalled? Bizarre? Deviant? Don't forget to use a synonym for typical words.
- The fact that you waited until the last stanza to use rhymes kind of throws off the pace a little. Not a whole lot, but a little. It also shows me that you either purposely avoided them until then, or that you wrote the last stanza first, but wanted to expand on it. If you purposely avoided them to help with your theme, that's okay, as long as you're not overdoing it. But that's what it seems like the effect is here; the fact that all four lines have a rhyme while the others leading to it don't kind of brings the focus right in on those rhymes. Did you notice that? While your theme is strong enough to withstand such centralizing, I think that the use of rhyme, along with the rest of your writing here, should have hinted, not flashed neon, so, maybe to subtract from that distraction you'll need to take away one of those rhymes. That will make it less obvious, I think.

Some Suggestions:
- I think that with some strong evocative rhymes, this free verse in disguise would shine that much more. Maybe a cross-rhyme or interlaced rhyme or two would draw the reader's eye into the actually deceptive nature of the form you chose.
- Because the theme represents a weakness in confidence; that is, the confidence to be oneself , I think that some of your word-choices should bear an opposing quality: self-poised certainty. Not that you don't already have some precise images, but there are a couple of spots where the more in-focus word might lend an edge to the blade you already have. In fact, bring some daring, dirk-pointed words into your writing and pieces like this will become more defined, and, in the body-building world, definition can give the appearance of more finely shaped muscle, in turn, making the muscle look larger than it actually is.
- Aaaaah!(screaming) lol You changed carefully developed! I think you should have at least left the word careful in there somewhere, if not the entire thought, because it implies that your narrator is being extra-careful in choosing which qualities she wants to work with or reveal. There is so much more meaning to be had than with just ‘unspontaneous'. And if you really wanted to use that idea, use a synonym that points away from the word spontaneous, not straight at it.

Reinforcements: This piece is organized really well. It has a perfectly chosen theme, a professionally chosen cast, and a well-rounded closing stanza. The closing stanza could use one less rhyme to decrease its glare, and aid the theme, or if you want to go in the opposite direction, to give the piece a more pointed hint at it's structure, then you can use some interlaced rhymes or cross-rhymes. Other than that, the piece looks and reads well. Thanks for opportunity to share in regards to your work. Tata for now from...

Hi Lin

I think to a certain extent we are all like this person, changing to fit in with the people we are with.  Well I do anyway.  I'm not sure who the "real me" is.  If there is one or if I'm just the sum of all the different parts I show to different groups.


A few suggestions.  As always, use what you like discard what you don't.   

p.s.  I found the font and size much easier to read on this one.


Quote:



Thanks for the read, enjoyed.