Hi Daniel
Good to see you venturing into free verse again. A vivid description of the storm, though it feels a little prose-like in places. I would have run, shivering for shelter at the first sign of the wind. I'm cold just thinking about it. The only hurricane, I've experienced was about 20 years ago and I slept through a lot of it.
A few thoughts, use or reject as you wish.
Quote:Here I lie, stranded
snuggled between Hannah <<snuggled gives a cosy feel; a little at odds with stranded.
and Ike, huddling behind
two umbrellas as the wind
whips beach debris all around
and the rain
hammers mercilessly.
The others have escaped
leaving me to the roar
of thunder
and a pounding surf
lightning striking somewhere
not too far away. <<either use somewhere or not too far away, not both
Seagulls are unimpressed,
standing idly, squatting
or soaring without a care. <<without a care says pretty much the same thing as "are unimpressed" Perhaps:
Seagulls stand idly,
squat or soar without a care.
Suddenly God takes a loud
snapshot, due east,
getting their attention
and mine too.
The sea, however, merely
rises and waves back.
The ominous, dark clouds <<comma
that had swept which swept over the shore
eating up all the sky
except a wide band
just above the ocean <<comma as this is a sub-clause
are now melted melt into a blue-grey,
barely distinguishable
from the water, but for a long
straight line above
a slightly darker grey-green
with white frills dancing at the bottom. <<better to have the image of sky and sea blending into one.
As the thunder grows distant
the crash of waves
emerges a more pleasant sound. <<it is quite difficult to work out that the waves are what is giving a more pleasant sound. Perhaps emits rather than emerges.
Still huddled with Hannah
I do feel closer to Ike
and I emerge to the sweet
smell of the sea
and the wonder of a broad
human-less beach.
I’ve finally experienced
Under the Boardwalk
for myself, and the strains <<for myself isn't needed as you can only exxperience things for yourself.
of that stimulating storm
still linger from beneath
the Ocean City Music Pier.
Hope something helps or gives you food for thought.
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Huddled (free verse) (Read 226 times)
