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Normpo
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Re: Binge
Reply #5 - Aug 22nd, 2008 at 11:02pm
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I close my eyes comma
letting my fingers wrap around the handle.
I hear the fading screams of pride and will power, no comma
as the pop of the seal echo's throughout the house, period
Shadows relent to the sudden glow of white light;
my eyes redden from the intensity either a period and new sentence or a semi-colon
their lids slowly rise to the grandeur of the site.
My innocence, decency succumbs to the darkness that lies within, I am not sure of the clarity of those two chracter traits themselves doing the succumbing? >> and again, either a period or semicolon
my fingers release their grip they reach inside and pull one out a run on sentence here
before I can think,
I have opened it,  swallowed it down. I'd use an ellipse here rather than a comma
No time for guilt, no time to reconsider,
one has fallen,
why not another or another?

I like the descriptions and I think I understand your intent. I hope you don't mind this English teacher offering up the grammar and syntax corrections/options.  Punctuation is the reader's "assistant" and you should try and provide the proper stop signs, pauses and bridges so it is a smoother ride for your audience.

Take what you like and throw away what you don't -- it is YOUR poem.

I enjoyed.

Norm
  
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nas
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Re: Binge
Reply #4 - Aug 22nd, 2008 at 6:48pm
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Hi Max

You paint a good picture of the craving and shame of the binge eater; the crumbling of willpower.

I did wonder whether cutting out some unnecessary words would heighten the urgency.  I hope you don't mind me showing you but as always, your poem, your choices.

Quote:
I close my eyes
letting my fingers wrap around the handle.
I hear the fading screams of pride and will power fade,
as the pop of the seal 
echo's echoes throughout the house,
Shadows relent to the sudden glow of white light;
my eyes redden from the intensity
their lids slowly rise rising to the grandeur of the site sight.
My innocence, decency succumbs to the darkness that lies within,
my fingers release their grip they reaching inside and my fingers pull one out
before I can think,
I have opened it it is open,  swallowed it down.
No time for guilt, no time to reconsider,
one has fallen,
why not another or another?  <<I think it has more impact with only one "another"

Because this is a bit messy, below is my "played around version" without the twiddly bits

I close my eyes
letting my fingers wrap around the handle.
Screams of pride and will power fade
as the pop of the seal 
echoes through the house.

Shadows relent to the sudden glow of white light;
my eyes redden from the intensity
lids slowly rising to the grandeur of the sight.
Innocence, decency succumb to the darkness within.

Reaching inside, my fingers pull one out.
Before I can think,
it is open,  swallowed;
no time for guilt, 
no time to reconsider,
one has fallen,
why not another


  
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max2well
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Re: Binge
Reply #3 - Aug 22nd, 2008 at 6:37pm
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Thank you diane, i took your advice and removed the "ands",
  
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DianeEsk
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Re: Binge
Reply #2 - Aug 22nd, 2008 at 6:00pm
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Max,

Enjoyed this one. I could hear the seal pop and feel the crumble of will power...great title choice also. I think you could tighten this up a bit with the removal of a few "ands" and I'm not sure line 10 really needs "again ". Just a few thoughts...

Diane
  
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hawkwind
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Re: Binge
Reply #1 - Aug 22nd, 2008 at 5:42pm
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max2well wrote on Aug 22nd, 2008 at 5:27pm:
I close my eyes and
letting my fingers wrap around the handle.
I hear the fading screams of pride and will power,
asthe pop of the seal echo's throughout the house,
the Shadows relent to the sudden glow of white light;
my eyes redden from the intensity
their lids slowly rise to the grandeur of the site.
Myinnocence and decency succumbs to the darkness that lies within,
my fingers release their grip and reach inside and pull one out
before I can think again,
I have opened it and swallowed it down.
No time for guilt, no time to reconsider,
one has fallen,
why not another or another?


Just a few suggestions, take or leave.   Great start.

Patrice
  
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max2well
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Binge
Aug 22nd, 2008 at 5:27pm
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REV 1

I close my eyes 
letting my fingers wrap around the handle.
I hear the fading screams of pride and will power,
as the pop of the seal echo's throughout the house,
Shadows relent to the sudden glow of white light;
my eyes redden from the intensity
their lids slowly rise to the grandeur of the site.
My innocence, decency succumbs to the darkness that lies within,
my fingers release their grip they reach inside and pull one out
before I can think,
I have opened it,  swallowed it down.
No time for guilt, no time to reconsider,
one has fallen,
why not another or another?



Original

I close my eyes and let my fingers wrap around the handle
I hear the fading screams of pride and will power
the pop of the seal echo's throughout the house
the shadows relent to the sudden glow of white light
my eyes redden from the intensity
their lids slowly rise to the grandeur of the site
my innocence and decency succumbs to the darkness that lies within
my fingers release their grip and reach inside and pull one out
before I can think again,
I have opened it and swallowed it down.
No time for guilt, no time to reconsider,
one has fallen,
why not another or another?
« Last Edit: Aug 22nd, 2008 at 6:03pm by max2well »  
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