Bumping this up in case someone wants to visit PoemTraion after all these years??

Prosaic,

No problem. I think your suggestions are still useful, regardless. It helps to know how things are viewed from the reader's perspective also.

Diane

PS I did forget to clarify, shiner is also a black eye here. Sorry for my oversight.

Prosaic,

Thank you for reading. As always, your comments and suggestions are much appreciated and helpful in the revision process. It has been a pretty hectic week and put me behind on everything. Each time I have attempted to get caught up here on the train I find it is running unusually slow, not sure why, but I run out of time before accomplishing very much. I will be working on a revision as I get caught up with everything.

Diane

Hi Patrice,

Thanks for reading. I will let you know when a revision has been posted.

Diane

Hi Cyn,

I appreciate your commetns and suggestions. I knew this needed some work and was hoping to get some input towards getting it there. I agree with your thoughts, and will be using them to make revisions to this one.

Diane

Hi Diane,

A few ideas. As always, I have not read your other critters and I may well destroy any meter which you have employed. {-}[+](Comments)


Precious Gems

A bequest upon your gift 

(Sorry Diane, the syntax has me stumped here - don't understand).

from nature and from God,
a gemstone placed into your hands.

{Your process is rough,} [Roughly processed:]
tossing and tumbling to perfection,
as you treat your precious gem
with harshness and abrasives.

(The opening and closing lines of this verse are tautological. But the problem, more than repetition is that it implies the verse has not progressed from start to finish).

Bringing forth a shiner

(LOL - This must be another of those US/UK cultural things! Here "A shiner" means a black eye (surround) - often caused by a punch). (NB After reading Nas's crit: if you do mean black-eye, I can see it fits the meaning of the poem but I think it undermines the language).

of obsidian and amethyst,
the friction often overlooked
as raw jewel is battered and abused,
made to pay your dues,

(This is very clever - showing how such perfection is achieved by such violence - excellent thoughts)

until something beautiful emerges – 
that reflects {back} on you.


Inspired by something I read on PT, I have been working on this one for a bit...appreciate any ideas and suggestions for improvements. 

Here are my suggestions, plus any others not mentioned above:


Precious Gems

A bequest from God's nature:
a gemstone placed in your hands.

You process it roughly:
abrasively tossing and tumbling,
to perfect [i]your[/i] precious gem.

Bringing forth lustre
from obsidian and amethyst;
whilst unaware of
their battered abuse,
made to pay [i]your[/i] dues.

Something proud emerges
from your honed gem - 
[i]your[/i] reflection.


I hope my suggestions are not too radical - but, anyway, they are, of course, only a few suggestions.

A great metaphor Diane - very well done.

Thanks for the read.

p.

PS Diane - I have (subsequent to posting the above) now read your other crits. I agree about over-using "your" - if you agree, then the two options are to either rid some instances or make something important of the word. I opted for the latter - your (!) choices.

Cheerio, p.

I started to respond to this and then went back and read the crits and Nas pretty much said what I was going to say..... so I'll wait for your revision

Patrice

Hi Diane
I like this little "gem"
I think you can help it shine even more if you use some language to show us the something beautiful that emerges instead of telling us that something beautiful emerges.

I might drop "your" there at "your gift"  since you use the word again pretty soon in "your hands". maybe "this" gift? Check out how many yours you use in this poem. And then there is the pentultimate "your". Too many me thinks, but fairly easy to solve.

Enjoying reading your work
Cyn

DianeEsk wrote on May 9^th, 2008 at 4:24pm: