Dear God,
we have spoken
in Room one-eleven
but there's no writing on the wall
so far...


ploopin' Lightly, Daniel  8)

Hello BBE,

What draws me most to the poem is the idea that Bible's creation (I mean writing, not the actual events immortalized within) seem to be created by lunatics. Or for that matter, the idea of a drunk building an ark to bring a 'sampling' of creation into it, for it's continuation.

I'm not sure that I buy why schizophrenia is involved with the Bible or the stories therein. The last part, the poem's message, is just dropped on us....without any really relative pov. If I were to guess, then this speaks on the prophets and the different manifestations, but I don't see the parallelism of someone in Room 111 and prophets. Could you trim this down and create some sort of linkage, so I undestand your point?

Sequels have been made even as recent as the 1800's. Sure there was persecution, but the faith in these religions persisted (i.e. Ba'hai Religion out of Islam).

Help me, help you. lol.

~Tim

Hi Amy,

Good poem!

Just my suggestions. Take them or leave them.

You can make your stanza's tighter.
For example, in the first stanza you don't need "come and gather round". Just start with "You are about to witness..." You use the word "me" often, which is monotonous, unless it is deliberate. If so, maybe you can emphasize the word more by putting it in italics or caps.

come, touched, blessed - you could eliminate "touch", come and blessed...

In the second stanza, I would eliminate the first line, "God has chosen me" and start with "It is time..."

In the third stanza, I would change, "her who I have chosen" to  "her, my chosen one."

In the fourth stanza, You don't need "now" after "time for lunch". There are two nows in this stanza. I would suggest finding another rhyming word instead of repeating the same word twice.

In the fifth stanza, maybe change the first line from "fallible human words" to fallible words or human words.

In the same stanza, I would change "with no lying tongue" to "and I'm not lying".

Instead of "Here's the book I have written" I would change to "Here's the written book".

I would eliminate "my hand was grabbed by the lord and forced on these pages". 

In the sixth stanza, change book to bible.

In the seventh stanza, change merely mortal human to mere mortal. also you use wrong twice in this stanza. It would be better to find another rhyming word and not repeat the same word.

Thanks for the enjoyable read.

Chaim

Quote:


Thanks for the read,

Holly.

Come and gather round, for
you are about to witness my great gift.
given to me by God,
God has come and touched me,
blessed me, and through my words is God himself.

God has chosen me,
“it is time,” he says, to let all you hear again
the words we are forgetting.
It is time to relearn, it is time for rebirth.

If I wrote down right here and now
words that come to me from God
would you read it?
Would you believe me?
God says, “believe, have faith in
her who I have chosen.”

I am in room 111 and it’s twelve O’clock.
Time for lunch now,
Henry counts 1...2...3, 1...2...3.
Deborah picks up phones,
she says “no Robert isn’t here right now,”
and Robert blows his nose.

Have faith in my fallible human words!
I am saying with no lying
tongue that I have seen the almighty
and he has spoke to me.
Here is the book I have written -
my hand was grabbed by the lord and
forced on these pages.

Why do you keep me here,
room 111?
Do you not already have one book
from dear God?
Why not take the sequel?

You say a merely mortal human could
never speak with God,
you say my head is wired wrong,
chemicals run through veins of brains
right, in others wrong.

You say you will never have faith
in the book written by a
crazy at the schizophrenic zoo.
But you don’t even know it,
you already do.