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Normal Topic THE PRICK (Read 294 times)
Alan
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Re: THE PRICK
Reply #8 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Dear Cheyennewy,

Thank you very much for your visit to my threads. I guess this is a pretty good example of how I write, I try to keep it light even when I have serious points to make. And that last line humour - well, sometimes it surprises even me ! But that too is a mark of my writing.

Great to have you on board, btw.

Love
Alan
  
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cheyennewy
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Re: THE PRICK
Reply #7 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Hi Alan....I wan't sure what to expect when I read your title and was delighted to find such a fine poem.  Your rhyme scheme is light and airy, giving perfect images for this reader.  I wasn't prepared for the humor in the last line....very clever.  Well done....cheyenne
  
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Alan
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Re: THE PRICK
Reply #6 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Just desserts from Just Daniel ....

Love
Alan
  
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Just_Daniel
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Slow down; things will
go faster. ~ djr
guttin' it out...
Reply #5 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Yes, a partial colostomy will do it for the sly...

Lightly pullin' an' choppin', Daniel  8)
  
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Alan
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Re: THE PRICK
Reply #4 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Dear Daniel,

Perhaps a semi-c is needed at the end of S4L1 - HE is the sly, she escapes his clutches.

Love
Alan
« Last Edit: Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am by »  
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Just_Daniel
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Slow down; things will
go faster. ~ djr
no blood...
Reply #3 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Cleverly done, Alan...

I only wonder at the meaning of S4L1... and the transition to L2 ?

prickin' sLightly, Daniel  8)
  
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Alan
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Re: THE PRICK
Reply #2 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Dear Nas,

Are you related by any chance to Nina ? Of MM ?

Thank you very much for your visit and lovely comments. You are right about the glossY, but I guess the reader will just have to get used to it - I can see no way of amending.

Love
Alan
  
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nas
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Re: THE PRICK
Reply #1 - Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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Hi Alan

I like the duality of the title.

You have integrated the ten words very well into this poem.  I'm glad the lass was saved from his clutches by the blackberry bush.

No nits  except I keep wanting to say glossy instead of gloss which would throw out your syllable count.
  
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Alan
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THE PRICK
Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am
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THE PRICK

Within the compass of his home
beneath a hemispheric dome
of clear perspex, upon a tray
were cheese and crackers on display

Gloss magazines could not have shown
them better; wine from Côtes du Rhone
was on his bar, there too a map,
casually placed, all meant to trap

And this, more artifice than art
had purpose, to capture a heart
of virgin white, one still quite pure
if she would bite, accept his lure

How fortune frowns upon the sly;
the lass, while on her way, had spied
some ripe blackberries, pricked her thumb
so crying, she'd run home to Mum

Alan McAlpine Douglas

(Challenge words : compass tray cheese crackers
magazine wine bar map art blackberry)
« Last Edit: Jan 1st, 1970 at 12:00am by »  
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