PoemTrain - Wait... Listen in Silence [ REVISION #3 ~ 15 Jan ]

Change Template:

Choose Language:

PoemTrain › Writer's Depot › On Track (OT) › Wait... Listen in Silence [ REVISION #3 ~ 15 Jan ]

(Moderators: Normpo, Prose)

‹ Previous Topic | Next Topic ›

Page Index Toggle

Pages: 1

Normal Topic

Wait... Listen in Silence [ REVISION #3 ~ 15 Jan ] (Read 251 times)

Just_Daniel Topic Starter Ex Member Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr	Norm... Revision #3 Reply #7 - Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	Normpo wrote on Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am: Daniel, Congrats on the nomination -- This may only be a "Norm" thing, but these three lines just seem out of synch with the rest of the pem: "for heaven’s sake— don't view mere stark data chugging in through our fax machine." Aside from "for heavn's sake" being cliche (though I understand the deliberate use of it as such and its duality), these line seem so mundane so "conversational". The whole office metaphor seems so out of place and ordinary when considering the rest of the poem. I think you have a valid point here, at least in part. I've reworked the metaphor some, and I'd appreciate your further insight on the matter. Thank you. Like I said, this may just be me and maybe you can seek other input on my misgivings about the lines. But you wanted our crit, so that would be a nit I would offer. Norm ... and as I mention to Mary, I've just posted a third revision! Always deLighting in thoughtful crit, Daniel 8)


	IP Logged

Just_Daniel Topic Starter Ex Member Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr	Mary... Reply #6 - Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	Quote: Daniel Well done revision! One small thing. In the second one, Line 4 I believe, you have a double word "must must" Simply a typo I know but I wanted to let you know since this was nominated at MM -- congratulations on the nomination and let us know how it turns out... Mary Thank you, Mary. You're quite right about the typo... and I've done a further revision too now. I'll keep you posted; stop back any time! deLighting in the process, Daniel 8)


	IP Logged

Normpo Forum Administrator Offline Posts: 10839 Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Re: Wait... Listen in Silence [ REVISED 1/09 ~ Th Reply #5 - Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	Daniel, Congrats on the nomination -- This may only be a "Norm" thing, but these three lines just seem out of synch with the rest of the pem: "for heaven’s sake— don't view mere stark data chugging in through our fax machine." Aside from "for heavn's sake" being cliche (though I understand the deliberate use of it as such and its duality), these line seem so mundane so "conversational". The whole office metaphor seems so out of place and ordinary when considering the rest of the poem. Like I said, this may just be me and maybe you can seek other input on my misgivings about the lines. But you wanted our crit, so that would be a nit I would offer. Norm


	IP Logged

Mary Ex Member I love YaBB 1G - SP1!	Re: Wait... Listen in Silence [ REVISED 1/09 ~ Th Reply #4 - Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	Daniel Well done revision! One small thing. In the second one, Line 4 I believe, you have a double word "must must" Simply a typo I know but I wanted to let you know since this was nominated at MM -- congratulations on the nomination and let us know how it turns out... Mary


	IP Logged

Just_Daniel Topic Starter Ex Member Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr	Revision #2 ~ begging for further help... feedback Reply #3 - Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	Greetings, all... I'm still looking for further critique on this piece, since I'm a potential candidate to represent MM as one of their submissions into February's interBoard Poetry Community (IBPC) Competition. At least it's been nominated... so any help you can offer will be appreciated. I just posted my second revision/correction. appreciating your Light, Daniel 8)


	IP Logged

Just_Daniel Topic Starter Ex Member Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr	Holly... Reply #2 - Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	pandatronic wrote on Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am: I enjoyed these Rictameters, though I'm not quite sure of the situation described and the meaning. It's a realtionship in crisis, is what I can gather. I leave the 'situation' up to the reader, since I HOPE that it can be read from at least two different vantage points. The main idea however, is from the vantage point of another listener who's learned the value of patient, empathic, interactive listening, eyes wide open... sharing that treasure with others desiring to be people-helpers. Thanks for posting this. I tried to write Rictameter myself, but not as successfully as this. Holly 8) You're VERY welcome... and thank YOU for your very valuable perspective. re 'FAX'... I had erroneously thought that that was how it was spelled... until I looked it up. I guess I'd thought it was more than just short for facsimile; I thought it was also an acronym for something! re the curtains, yes you caught the image... the typical closing off from view of some painful, unresolves issue(s) inside that are NOT going to come out until the individual sees that the potential helper is capable of at least listening with a heart open to HEAR. The listener who is merely data-gathering is not going to have entrance... and is not going to be providing light that will be let in. I hope you'll see that my rather extensive revision takes into consideration your excellent and helpful observations. deLighting in your sharing, Daniel 8)
	« Last Edit: Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am by »

	IP Logged

pandatronic Ex Member	Re: Wait... Listen in Silence Reply #1 - Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	I enjoyed these Rictameters, though I'm not quite sure of the situation described and the meaning. It's a realtionship in crisis, is what I can gather. Just_Daniel wrote on Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am: Wait… Listen in Silence Waiting so we might see what his clenched fingers cry through flared nostrils… pain-tinted eyes whispering with shoulder-shrugs… her bowed head daring hope with a hopeless glance. The line above is a nice example of rhetorical repetition, which seeing as I read Renaissance literature at university, is rather pleasing to me Patient—we must sit… still to feel what’s been weighting. Weighting on what? The sentence feels incomplete, though it could be part of the effect. Listen for heaven’s sake— it’s more than taking data that is sent through our FAX machine; Why did you capitalise fax? though we’ll also transfer, process, translate, runes shrouded in sinew and veins will pour forth, bristling There are only 5 syllables in this line. 'Bristling' is one only two syllables when read aloud by me. Consider revision. when we truly listen. Not sure I like the runes image, it seems a bit too archaic and mystical following the image of a fax machine, and it jars a bit. A more ambiguous image like 'signs' or 'codes' or 'signals' would be better. Silent eyes can breathe hope through tight-shuttered windows shattered from storms still a memory, Depending on how you say it, this line has 9 syllables. duct taped over with bloody-gauze curtains, Interesting image, why curtains? I'm guessing it's because curtains shield the public world from the private, and that the emotional violence in the relationship is starting to show through? shedding Light when the power’s off, warmth in a brick-cold hearth, I love the domestic images here. Love that won’t stay silent. © MLee Dickens'son 04 Jan 2007 Thanks for posting this. I tried to write Rictameter myself, but not as successfully as this. Holly 8)
	« Last Edit: Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am by »

	IP Logged

Just_Daniel Topic Starter Ex Member Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr	Wait... Listen in Silence [ REVISION #3 ~ 15 Jan ] Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am	Print Post
	Revision 3 1/15 Wait… Listen in Silence Waiting so we might see what his clenched fingers cry through flared nostrils… pain-shaded eyes whispering with shoulder-shrugs… her bowed head daring hope with a hopeless glance. Patient—we must sit… still to feel what’s been weighting. Listen for heaven’s sake— hearing’s more than data we chug in through our fax machine; as we transfer, processing, we translate codes shrouded in sinew and veins; pathos pours forth, bristling when we truly listen. Silent eyes breathe warm trust through tight-shuttered windows shattered from storms still a mem'ry, duct-taped over with bloodied gauze curtains; they'll give Light when the power’s off, warmth to a brick-cold hearth, Love that won’t stay silent. © MLee Dickens'son 04 Jan 2007 in Revision 2 S2L3 don't view mere stark data S2L4 chugging in through our fax machine S2L5 We also must transfer, process, translate in Revision 1 [ thanks, Holly ] S1L4 through flared nostrils… pain-tinted eyes S2L3-7 that's more than tending data chugging in through our fax machine; though we must transfer, process, translate codes shrouded in sinew and veins, words will pour forth, bristling S3L2 eyes breathe fresh hope S3L4 shattered from storms still a memory, [ Though there's always a tension between allowing the reader to leave off the syllable, and suggesting it with an apostrophe... since modernists frown on such... then tell you it's too long. It's a lose/lose proposition! ] Original Waiting so we might see what his clenched fingers cry through flared nostrils… pain-tinted eyes whispering with shoulder-shrugs… her bowed head daring hope with a hopeless glance. Patient—we must sit… still to feel what’s been weighting. Listen for heaven’s sake— it’s more than taking data that is sent through our FAX machine; though we’ll also transfer, process, translate, runes shrouded in sinew and veins will pour forth, bristling when we truly listen. Silent eyes can breathe hope through tight-shuttered windows shattered from storms still a memory, duct taped over with bloody-gauze curtains, shedding Light when the power’s off, warmth in a brick-cold hearth, Love that won’t stay silent.
	« Last Edit: Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am by »

	IP Logged

Page Index Toggle

Pages: 1

‹ Previous Topic | Next Topic ›

« Board Index ‹ Board Top

Top

PoemTrain » Powered by YaBB 2.6.12!
YaBB Forum Software © 2000-2026. All Rights Reserved.

Valid XHTML

Valid CSS

Powered by Perl

Source Forge