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PoemTrain › Writer's Depot › On Track (OT) › Reflections Entry 2006-2007 - "My Favorite Place"

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Reflections Entry 2006-2007 - "My Favorite Place" (Read 303 times)

deathraider Topic Starter Full Member Offline Posts: 34 Joined: Feb 7^th, 2006	Re: Reflections Entry 2006-2007 - "My Favorit Reply #5 - Nov 16^th, 2006 at 4:13am	Print Post
	It's much more formal to say "'till," but that's what this poem is meant to be. I like it much better when there is a verb was instead of with, and with the abbreviation of sil'vry, it makes it so that it flows better in my mind. Making "loch" possesive doesn't make any more sense to me, but if you could explain your reasoning, I might consider it. On the second to last line, the way you put it didn't make any sense to me. What was wrong with the way I had it? I really liked the change from green to raw. It helps emphasize the r sound in wreathed, so thanks.


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nas Supreme Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 9444 Joined: Sep 11^th, 2006	Re: Reflections Entry 2006-2007 - "My Favorit Reply #4 - Nov 15^th, 2006 at 8:13pm	Print Post
	Hi Deathrider I assume you are talking about the Scottish glens and the Loch Ness Monster. I think Alan has made some excellent suggestions so I'll wait and see how you revise.


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alanmdouglas Gold Star Member Offline Posts: 672 Location: UK Joined: Jul 31^st, 2003	Re: Reflections Entry 2006-2007 - "My Favorit Reply #3 - Nov 15^th, 2006 at 7:18pm	Print Post
	Dear DR, A good effort, but I have marked some ideas you might like to consider. I left L11 alone xuz I did not understand it, but I think it will need a little work too. I enjoyed this - used to live there ! Love Alan That chilly air THAT I had nEVER breathed - - Inversion is clumsy ? till in my tenth year ‘cross the sea I flew - - Till, no apost I think ? to lands from whence my clan’s first fathers grew, in hand their bagpipes, shields, and swords unsheathed. The silvery-golden sky wITH glory seethed, - - abbr with ‘ not needed ? though cold,* the air was full of magic true; - - comma needed ? that hallowed rocky green and ocean blue, those glens and mountains RAW and heather-wreathed - - 2x green most magicAL the glassy loch’S abyss, a mystic mirror set in stony frame. How then are monsters rumored so amiss? The answer is that viewers see the same as what they are and what TO SEE they wish;* - - have I still got your meaning right ? the mire within is where to place the blame.


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deathraider Topic Starter Full Member Offline Posts: 34 Joined: Feb 7^th, 2006	Re: Reflections Entry 2006-2007 - "My Favorit Reply #2 - Nov 14^th, 2006 at 3:35am	Print Post
	It's actually Scotland. I'll fix the beats in line 9, so thanks for pointing that out. Can anyone comment on the message?
	« Last Edit: Nov 14^th, 2006 at 3:37am by deathraider »

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sierra Gold Star Member Offline Posts: 854 Joined: Mar 25^th, 2004	Re: Reflections Entry 2006-2007 - "My Favorit Reply #1 - Nov 13^th, 2006 at 11:59pm	Print Post
	Hi deathraider ~ This flows well with the exception of L9 which seems to have extra beat (atleast to my humble ear ) I'm not sure I understand the message, but I'm guessing your favorite place is Ireland? ??? Forgive me, I'm not very good with geography, but the images sound like what I've heard this place to be like! Now where does the lochness monster (spelling?) originate? Anyway, I think you have some nice scenery going on here which made for some enjoyable reading. ~Yvonne


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deathraider Topic Starter Full Member Offline Posts: 34 Joined: Feb 7^th, 2006	Reflections Entry 2006-2007 - "My Favorite Place" Nov 13^th, 2006 at 7:59am	Print Post
	I've been gone awhile! I hope people remember me! This is a sonnet I wrote while contemplating the theme for the NPTA Reflections contest for this year, which is "My Favorite Place." It's about my favorite place (I won't tell you where, you'll have to figure that out from context, because it's obvious). I want to make my feelings for it known outright, but I'm afraid its unfocused. Untitled That chilly air I had not ever breathed ‘till in my tenth year ‘cross the sea I flew to lands from whence my clan’s first fathers grew, in hand their bagpipes, shields, and swords unsheathed. The silv’ry-golden sky was glory seethed, though cold the air was full of magic true; that hallowed rocky green and ocean blue, those glens and mountains raw and heather-wreathed --most magic was the glassy loch abyss, a mystic mirror set in stony frame. How then are monsters rumored so amiss? The answer is that viewers see the same As what they are and what it is they wish. The mire within is where to place the blame.
	« Last Edit: Jan 20^th, 2007 at 9:52am by deathraider »

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