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Normal Topic Creativity (Read 35 times)
acricket
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Re: Creativity
Reply #3 - Feb 10th, 2009 at 9:14am
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Again, as a newbie, my question becomes, "Does this content become a Sonnet? Is it better suited for one of the French Forms, possibly the Virelai (Virelay, AE) or a more Narrative Form?

Iambs can be combined with a Trochee or Anapest but a "Poetic Voice' with a content message, loses itself as victim, when forcing form. This seems prevalent in modern craftpersons and i wonder why we would not either choose another form or stick to the ordered profiles of at least Spenser's Alexandrine variations.

i rather like this work and would love to see where the Poet takes his well voiced ideas to some generous reading population.

With honest respect for the work,
Undecided cricket
  
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Tim
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Re: Creativity
Reply #2 - Apr 20th, 2006 at 7:18am
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Mr. Midgley,

It is getting late for this bird. i will be back to offer up my crit tomorrow. See you then.

~tim/azurepoetry
  
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D. Allen Jenkins
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Re: Creativity
Reply #1 - Apr 17th, 2006 at 11:05pm
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Quote:


James,

Hi welcome to the Train and Cafe Poetica! We're glad you're here.

Sans any information to the contrary, I will assume this is intended as a traditional sonnet and will thus critique it as such.

Creativity

I keep constructing roads for you to tread,
or creep, a shadow dusting tracks on dirt,

[The syntax is awkward in L1-2; the lack of an modifier, i.e. upon, is confusing. We don't tread or creep the road, we tread or creep upon the roads you have constructed.]

stooping beneath willows that fill your head

[I scan this as...stooping beneath willows that fill your head ]

with fronds curling into [that curl in] grief. Seagulls spurt
[The rhyhm is awkward here as well. It is partially fixed by the suggestion given, but it leaves you a foot short, and the troachic nature of Seagulls makes an upbeat difficult without changing the punctuation of the previous sentence.]

upwards like anti-lightning while I pour [iambics: here and throughout, you have not maintained the iambic cadance of the sonnet. I will italicise and bold-face trochees that should be iambs.]
water into your ears--until you crawl
[into?] the sea. The shark, the raving diver: these

are you, assimilated by your eyes
and mixing. Soon his wetsuit grows a fin[;]
the shark wears goggles, and you disappear
over a hill towards the sun, which spins

a violin bowstring of cloud. You sever [one foot too long]
it, reckless, heroic [should be a trochee here], while sunlight sings:
You never stop, you never stop, you never  [one foot too long here...though it corresponds to the earlier instance.]

The rhyme scheme begins properly (whatever that means) but quickly disappears almost completely. I have your scheme as: aba bcde fghg iji. 

The pattern established by the first quatrain should have been abab cdcd efef gg.

You creat some interesting images, James, so revisit this and see if you can smoot things out and make this an easier read.

Just some thoughts,

Doug






  
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James_AL_Midgley
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Creativity
Apr 17th, 2006 at 9:33pm
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Creativity



I keep constructing roads for you to tread,
or creep, a shadow dusting tracks on dirt,
stooping beneath willows that fill your head

with fronds curling into grief. Seagulls spurt
upwards like anti-lightning while I pour
water into your ears--until you crawl
the sea. The shark, the raving diver: these

are you, assimilated by your eyes
and mixing. Soon his wetsuit grows a fin,
the shark wears goggles, and you disappear
over a hill towards the sun, which spins

a violin bowstring of cloud. You sever
it, reckless, heroic, while sunlight sings:
You never stop, you never stop, you never
« Last Edit: Apr 17th, 2006 at 9:34pm by James_AL_Midgley »  
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