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Tim
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Re: Heart and Soul
Reply #5 - Jan 30th, 2006 at 8:16pm
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Well said isaac!
  
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Zaac
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Re: Heart and Soul
Reply #4 - Jan 30th, 2006 at 6:43pm
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The way that I learned how to stay away from cliches was to give the thought a beating heart  It is good to put the emotion behind the words in terms that evoke and stir the very same emotions in the person.

Cliches are not necessarily a bad thing, but you have to remember how the reader is going to respond to every word and phrase.  If a reader is going to see shattered heart for instance and they see it a lot in poems they read, they are going to skim throught the poem and most likely miss the things that should grab them by the arm.  The thoughts and feelings behind the words are very nice.
« Last Edit: Jan 30th, 2006 at 6:45pm by Zaac »  
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Tim
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Re: Heart and Soul
Reply #3 - Jan 26th, 2006 at 11:03pm
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i want to piggyback Sierra and say that the first line now only sounds good put is catchy enough that i sat and read the whole thing just to see where it was going to.
Yes, this poem does hold a nice series of mainly closed couplets and tight line construction.
Although you may want to revisit the descriptors and overall image/s created in this piece, i like the poem and get the point clearly and can remember specifically when i put my self out on that raft looking for food and water.  Grin
  
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sierra
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Re: Heart and Soul
Reply #2 - Jan 23rd, 2006 at 5:25pm
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Hi bgj,

This has a nice flowing rhythm and rhyme and you make the reader feel your loss.  I agree that that there are some cliches strewn about....sea of sorrow, broken promises, shattered heart, etc...but it's your poem, and some day if you want you may sit down and think about what you felt as you were writing it, and you might just find a new way of describing it.  Though I personally like your "soul adrift on a sea of sorrow".  

Thanks for posting this, I've been there in those deep waters and relentlessly piercing winds before Smiley

Yvonne




« Last Edit: Jan 23rd, 2006 at 5:27pm by sierra »  
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pandatronic
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Re: Heart and Soul
Reply #1 - Aug 29th, 2005 at 11:00pm
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Quote:
                      Heart and Soul

           There’s a soul adrift on the sea of sorrow
           Dreading the dawn of every tomorrow
           Living on dreams of love now past
           Broken promises that did not last.

           There’s a shattered heart that longs to mend
           Blown about in a painful wind
           Wishing for just one more chance
           To join in loves tender dance.

           There’s a troubled mind full of hopeless thoughts
           That remembers an angel it once caught
           But taken for granted in (to) many ways
           The angel it loved just could not stay.
Typo here. It's 'too' not, 'to'.


           A love once flourished, strong and clear
           Filled with wonder, precious and dear
           But to many mistakes day by day
           And slowly it perished and faded away.
 


I love the way this poem sounds when read aloud. Some of the images are a slightly cliched (like the first line for instance), but it does evoke lost love quite effectively.
  
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bgj
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Heart and Soul
Aug 16th, 2005 at 5:21pm
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                      Heart and Soul

           There’s a soul adrift on the sea of sorrow
           Dreading the dawn of every tomorrow
           Living on dreams of love now past
           Broken promises that did not last.

           There’s a shattered heart that longs to mend
           Blown about in a painful wind
           Wishing for just one more chance
           To join in loves tender dance.

           There’s a troubled mind full of hopeless thoughts
           That remembers an angel it once caught
           But taken for granted in to many ways
           The angel it loved just could not stay.

           A love once flourished, strong and clear
           Filled with wonder, precious and dear
           But to many mistakes day by day
           And slowly it perished and faded away.

                    Bobby G. Jarrard 


            Copyright 2005 by Bobby G. Jarrard
  
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