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Hot Topic (More than 10 Replies) Trained Attic - Revised from way back (Read 905 times)
literarius
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Re: Trained Attic - Revised from way back
Reply #15 - Jan 18th, 2018 at 8:49pm
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You're welcome.
  
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Normpo
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Re: Trained Attic - Revised from way back
Reply #14 - Dec 12th, 2017 at 12:45am
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Litarius,

Thanks for the compliments and also the  thoughtful criticism. I think you really nailed something I had not realized in all the time I have worked on this over the years...I think the word I might now use to describe the shortcomings of that third stanza would be "detached." Your "aloofness" handle for it I think is what an astute reader, like yourself, feels when reading this. As the author, I am now very aware that the purpose and "feel" of this poem gets detoured; I lost my emotional focus. There's no yearning for nostalgia in those five lines but rather a stark sense of negativity..."Without a view," "words do not cast a single shadow." Not a hint of a chance for immortality by way of my poetic legacy.  --smile--  Even the "sun shining through" (cliche) seems so trite.

Thanks again for the insight...I'll get to that stanza in a re-write...may be a week or so until I clear a lot of other poems I have stirring in my head. Really glad you contributed to this.

Norm


  
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literarius
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Re: Trained Attic - Revised from way back
Reply #13 - Dec 12th, 2017 at 12:09am
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I like the metaphor and the ideas presented here. It has a lot of good flowing strophes. I also like your use of the word repose, and the dash of rhymes here and there. Many who write free verse forget to use it, not even realizing how effective it can be when done well.

My only hang-up with this verse is that it feels quite detached. You've put a lot of effort into writing this already, I see, and I hate to make you go back to the "drawing board" as it were, but you have a lot of sterile words in this one. The middle stanza, especially, shows a kind of aloofness. Of course, if that is the direction you were heading, then feel free to ignore this post. It just seems that a piece like this deserves a little more emotion.

Thanks for sharing.
  
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Just_Daniel
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Re: Trained Attic - Revised from way back
Reply #12 - Dec 9th, 2017 at 4:12pm
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I like it, Norm...

and Del was one of my closest online friends, plus I had the joy of spending some time with him personally.  His departure was extremely painful to me.

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel  Cool
  
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Normpo
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Re: Trained Attic - Revised from way back
Reply #11 - Dec 8th, 2017 at 3:43pm
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Bringing this back to the top --- I posted it on my FaceBook Group (named Poem Train) and some of the folks may want to come in here and read some of the comments. 

Also felt a pang of nostalgia seeing Del's name here! Those who knew him here at PoemTrain and Poem Kingdom know that he was one of the finest and he was lost too soon. Reminded me how much we miss him.
« Last Edit: Dec 8th, 2017 at 3:43pm by Normpo »  
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Frostier
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Re: Trained Attic - Revised from way back
Reply #10 - Jul 27th, 2004 at 9:33am
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"I felt a sharp pain as I reached for the chain, to pull down the ladder leading to the attic... "

I like this a lot, Norm, and look..........not a "that" in sight...lol.

Glad you are getting caught up a bit and thanks for getting back to this.  It is always nice to know one's efforts are not a waste of time.

Kind regards,

Del
« Last Edit: Jul 27th, 2004 at 9:33am by Frostier »  
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Normpo
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Re: Trained Attic - Revised from way back
Reply #9 - Jul 23rd, 2004 at 11:02pm
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Del

Thanks so much for the analysis of the structure of that stanza:

There are some inherent problems with grammar and syntax when writing poetry. I am sure you know I am a real stickler for proper English usage having been an English teacher http://www.poemtrain2.com/cgi-bin/yabb2/YaBB.pl?board=CA;action=modify;message=9.... It is TRUE that the antecedent of the infinitive "to pull" is chain --- technically. So I cannot fault you for the astute recognition and proposed correction. The problem I have with instances like thes is that I am often trapped by my own words and purpose. If I were to make this adhere to "proper" usage, the sentence would have to read like this:

As I reached for the chain to pull down the ladder leading to the attic, I felt a sharp pain. (notice I agree with your "leading" as a fine edit). But now the emphasis and purpose is all wrong.

or

I felt a sharp pain as I reached for the chain, to pull down the ladder leading to the attic.

The latter (not ladder ~smile~) might work though.

What do you think?

Thanks always for your interest and input, Del

Norm
« Last Edit: Dec 8th, 2017 at 3:51pm by Normpo »  
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Frostier
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Re: Trained Attic - Revised from way back
Reply #8 - Jun 19th, 2004 at 7:50pm
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OK Norm...ya talked me into going a bit deeper...

I will show my suggestions in bold for you to use or not as you wish.

{}=remove
[]=add

Quote:
Trained Attic - Revised

I felt a sharp pain 
when I reached for the chain
{that pulled}to pull down the ladder 
{that leads}leading to the attic
of my mind.

I do not know 
{all that is}exactly what's stowed
in that poematorium
where my free verse 
and strict forms repose.

Without a view, 
but with sun shining through,
I can surely see 
my words do not cast
a single shadow.

So, before my offspring 
must sift through my things,
I'm removing my lines 
from unseen storage 
for scrutinized transport.

From garret to stations, 
{and} unknown destinations,
I'm placing myself[,]
not in a container,
but in the Cafe of a Poem Train.


Original:

Trained Attic

I felt a sharp pain when I reached for the chain
that pulled down the ladder 
that leads to the attic
of my mind.

I truly do not know all that is stowed
in that poematorium
where my free verse 
and strict forms repose.

Without a view, with the sun shining through,
I can surely see 
that my words do not cast
a single shadow.

So, before my offspring must sift through my things,
I'm removing my lines 
from unseen storage 
for scrutinized transport.

From garret to stations, and unknown destinations,
I'm placing myself
not in a container,
but in the Cafe of a Poem Train.


The chain doesn't "pull", YOU do.

"leading" gets rid of one more "that"

Just my way of reading things, I suppose, Norm, so make use of this or not as always.  Now-a-days I look for more "tightness" and good use of language, understandable metaphor and readability by a wide audience.

Kind regards,

Del
  
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Normpo
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Re: Trained Attic - Revised from way back
Reply #7 - Jun 19th, 2004 at 1:42pm
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Del,

Thanks for input --- the "extraneuos words"--- did you mean all the "thats" or were there specific others you could tell me about.

Thanks again,

Norm
  
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Frostier
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Re: Trained Attic - Revised from way back
Reply #6 - Jun 18th, 2004 at 6:46pm
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Hi Norm,
I see a few extraneous words, and I have a personal "bugaboo" about begining a line with "and" as in the last stanza, but other than that this revision is "on track."  I liked the metaphor and the rhythm of the piece.

Regards,

Del

Quote:
Trained Attic - Revised

I felt a sharp pain 
when I reached for the chain
that pulled down the ladder 
that leads to the attic
of my mind.

I do not know 
all that is stowed
in that poematorium
where my free verse 
and strict forms repose.

Without a view, 
but with sun shining through,
I can surely see 
my words do not cast
a single shadow.

So, before my offspring 
must sift through my things,
I'm removing my lines 
from unseen storage 
for scrutinized transport.

From garret to stations, 
and unknown destinations,
I'm placing myself
not in a container,
but in the Cafe of a Poem Train.


Original:

Trained Attic

I felt a sharp pain when I reached for the chain
that pulled down the ladder 
that leads to the attic
of my mind.

I truly do not know all that is stowed
in that poematorium
where my free verse 
and strict forms repose.

Without a view, with the sun shining through,
I can surely see 
that my words do not cast
a single shadow.

So, before my offspring must sift through my things,
I'm removing my lines 
from unseen storage 
for scrutinized transport.

From garret to stations, and unknown destinations,
I'm placing myself
not in a container,
but in the Cafe of a Poem Train.

  
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Normpo
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Re: Trained Attic
Reply #5 - Jun 18th, 2004 at 2:57pm
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I revised this last week and decided to bump it back up (from August 2003) ... the theme is always relevant here in our cozy cafe.

comments welcomed

Norm
  
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Re: Trained Attic
Reply #4 - Aug 3rd, 2003 at 8:42pm
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Hello. We have an attic in our house (I've heard about it, never actually been up there!!!) Every Christmas, things go up there, but they never seem to come back down the following year. 

I think this is a beautiful poem(about a poem.) It flows beautiful, and effortless. Thumbelina
  
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Re: Trained Attic
Reply #3 - Aug 3rd, 2003 at 12:54pm
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I'd love a tour of your attic!  Or is everything boxed up just now?

Perhaps when you settle back in?

Write on!  Pass it on, Norm.

Lightly, Daniel  8)
  
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Re: Trained Attic
Reply #2 - Aug 2nd, 2003 at 9:40pm
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Norm-

As you know, I am not a devotee of free-verse: Most of what I’ve seen simply isn’t poetic. It usually looks to me to be nothing more than a prose brain-dump with line breaks. Most of those who attempt it, IMNSHO, never bothered to learn the basics of the more “structured” forms—nor the poetic devices that come with that understanding.

I expect more from you, and you never disappoint. This is an excellent write! And you made it look so easy—another measure of the talented poet! 

When I grow up, I want to be just like you!   Grin

-Martin
  
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Re: Trained Attic
Reply #1 - Aug 2nd, 2003 at 5:55pm
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hi norm,

what can i say except it's a truly terrific poem and that I really enjoyed it?

deb  Cheesy
  
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