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Normal Topic Villainator (Read 92 times)
writer
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Re: NO NAME
Reply #5 - Jan 1st, 2009 at 3:13pm
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Daniel,

Okay. I changed 'but' to 'just'. It does read smoother, but but but but the meaniing seems less clear. Could that just be my old eyes?

Wayne
  
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Re: NO NAME
Reply #4 - Dec 30th, 2008 at 8:48pm
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Daniel,

I don't disagree, but, but, but, but...I wanted to clearly indicate that one step is all it took to start the journey. The word "only" seemed too ungainly for the rhythm. "Just" produces the same difficulty as "but". Would eliminating "but" leave the same intent clear?

So, how do I fix it?

BTW...the name sounds fine.

Wayne
  
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no buts about it!
Reply #3 - Dec 30th, 2008 at 6:51pm
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How about Villainator to capture both your 'violation' with the 'villain', and pieces of the names of both forms with that and the addition of 'ator' ?

... and did you understand what I meant by tossing your but ?

I think that the pace as well as the meter of the poem is improved by removing that one word... Angry

I know, I can hear you... Sad

"But, but, but, but... "  And that's just the point! Grin

Lightly, Daniel  Cool
« Last Edit: Dec 31st, 2008 at 2:29pm by Just_Daniel »  
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Re: NO NAME
Reply #2 - Dec 30th, 2008 at 6:34pm
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Daniel,

Does not every journey begin with a single step? Enjoy the trip and I'm sure you'll fall into the pattern...and probably improve it.

If you could come up with a name for the form, that would be great. All I could think of was VIOLATOR...a reference to what I've done to the two forms.

Wayne
« Last Edit: Dec 30th, 2008 at 6:34pm by writer »  
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Re: NO NAME
Reply #1 - Dec 30th, 2008 at 4:52pm
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I want to throw your but out of here!


I'd like to call you names... but I can't think of one.


This one is going to take me some time to digest...

so I'll just have to take one step and see.

deLightingly, Daniel  Cool

  
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Villainator
Dec 30th, 2008 at 7:39am
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Villainator

note:
Wayne took the time to develop this form without naming it, so I've given it a name till he decides to name it himself. - Daniel 

Noodling around tonight and got to thinking about forms, specifically the viator and the villanelle. I thought of how they might be combined. This was the result. The rhyme scheme is not consistent from stanza to stanza because I’m not that bright. But it was fun. 

A1,B,A2,B,C,A1
B,A1,B,C,A2,A1
A2,B,A1,B,C,A2,
B,A2,B,A1,C,A1
B,A1,B,A1,C.A2
B,A2,A1,C,A1,A1

TAKE JUST ONE STEP TOWARD LOVE AND SEE

Take just one step toward love and see
where measured tread may carry you
along the path not walked before.
Venture forth without a clue
of what might lie along the way.
Take just one step toward love and see.

Great rewards await those who
take just one step toward love and see
that every journey is as new
and holds surprise in grand array
along the path not walked before.
Take just one step toward love and see,

along a path not walked before.
Sometimes it takes real effort to
take just one step toward love and see 
the single mantra that is true:
the open heart is what holds sway
along a path not walked before.

Accept the joy laid in review
along a path not walked before.
Embrace the pain, for that’s love, too.
Take just one step toward love and see 
the living that is on display.
Take just one step toward love and see

the beauty there within your view.
Take just one step toward love and see
the joy your effort may accrue.
Take just one step toward love and see
and you may find you want to stay
along a path not walked before.

Begin the trek long overdue
along a path not walked before. 
Take just one step toward love and see 
the choices in love’s wide buffet.
Take just one step toward love and see.
Take just one step toward love and see.

writer
« Last Edit: Jul 27th, 2009 at 5:43pm by Just_Daniel »  
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