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Ethere (Read 44 times)

davidf Supreme Member Offline I love YaBB 1G - SP1! Posts: 1158 Joined: Oct 25^th, 2007	Re: Ethere Reply #18 - Dec 25^th, 2007 at 10:15pm	Print Post
	Daniel, Good use of the form and AMEN to that message...from your words to God's eyes! It's too bad we don't have Bush's or Bin Laden's addresses or even e-mails (if they have e-mail in Afghanistan) so they could both read this and realize this silly war must come to an end! Sorry for rambing on so, but this war gets on my nerves! ~Davidf


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Just_Daniel Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr Posts: 8989 Location: South West New Jersey Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Prayer for Seasons of Peace Reply #17 - Dec 25^th, 2007 at 5:59pm	Print Post
	Prayer for Seasons of Peace Across two vast seas once separating widely divergent cultures and lands segregated in sovereign realms, we’d subjugate for ourselves dim knowledge of an orb spinning east to west. May all the north now embrace… let peace spring, fall southward till trees blaze loud freedom hues though skies be ashen and ill winds whip briskly … yet cool old blood-spirits to take solace in broken ground till covered anew with gentler snow spreading freely to reflect God’s glory _{© MLee Dickens'son 20 March 2004 welcoming the first day of spring / fall in two hemispheres}


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Just_Daniel Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr Posts: 8989 Location: South West New Jersey Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Mizz... Reply #16 - Dec 25^th, 2007 at 5:52pm	Print Post
	MissKennedy wrote on Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am: I never knew these had a name or thought it would be as difficult for me as it was. Oh well, it's only a first attempt. [ First attempts are fun... and instructive. Let me make just a couple of suggestions re having each line present one full segment of a thought... and not ending on a preposition... or a word that modifies te next word ? Whatcha think? ] Take one step back to you. Look for signals of substance inside this frame; never decide that some disorder's to blame until your own choice has been made. Might that be the point of this whole fight? They're pleased enough; something will make you right. Hmmm... not quite a shape that I like. ... and maybe the shape's better too? editing Lightly, Daniel 8)


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MissKennedy Full Member Offline It can be fun sometimes, being on the borderline. Posts: 20 Location: Purgatory, CA Joined: Dec 23^rd, 2007	Re: Ethere Reply #15 - Dec 24^th, 2007 at 3:26pm	Print Post
	I never knew these had a name or thought it would be as difficult for me as it was. Oh well, it's only a first attempt. Take a step back to you. Look for signs of substance inside this frame and never decide this disorder is to blame until you own choice has been made. Is that not the point of this whole fight? They're pleased enough. Something will make you right. Hmmm... not quite a shape that I like.


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Just_Daniel Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr Posts: 8989 Location: South West New Jersey Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Am... Reply #14 - Nov 19^th, 2007 at 4:04pm	Print Post
	I shall be looking forward to your next stab at this then, my friend! deLightingly, Daniel 8)


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Amrot Full Member Offline not everything falls short Posts: 176 Location: Fairfax, VA Joined: Nov 8^th, 2007	Re: Ethere Reply #13 - Nov 19^th, 2007 at 3:57pm	Print Post
	I've dabbled with this kind of poem before, although I never knew it actually had a name. Ah, I think I might have to write one now. Sigh/grin.
	« Last Edit: Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am by »

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Just_Daniel Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr Posts: 8989 Location: South West New Jersey Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Terence... Reply #12 - Sep 24^th, 2007 at 8:28am	Print Post
	Sorry I couldn't get back to this before I was away for a week, T... I just wanted you to know that I've never read anything about the SHAPE of the piece, though indeed there may be something written somewhere, of course. It's just something that I personally strive for, not necessarily what MUST BE, so far as I know. I'm sure that with a bit more work you'll be able to make this speak exactly what you want it to. It's rather nice as it is, however. deLighting in the sharing, Daniel 8)
	« Last Edit: Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am by »

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Terence Gold Star Member Offline in an English country garden ... Posts: 900 Joined: Mar 15^th, 2006	Re: Ethere Reply #11 - Sep 14^th, 2007 at 8:04pm	Print Post
	Thanks, Daniel, it is in much better shape now. I guess that's really part of the form and I knew I wasn't paying attention to it. I'll keep your thoughts in mind on the rewrite. I was actually aiming for something a bit deeper than just a one-night-stand and I'm not sure that is coming across. Terence
	« Last Edit: Jan 1^st, 1970 at 12:00am by »

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Just_Daniel Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr Posts: 8989 Location: South West New Jersey Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Re: Ethere Reply #10 - Sep 14^th, 2007 at 7:14pm	Print Post
	Greetings, Terence! I'd noticed a couple of lines in which your syllable count was off... and since you asked me about the construction of one line... I thought I might nudge a few others... this time JUST EXPERIMENTING to try to utilize the substance of your words to make a more symetrical figure with his/her arms open up and wide for the prospective partner as well! Lightly 'editing', Daniel 8) That one night There he lies, smiling sweetly, resplendent through his manliness... his mysteries dissolving, slowly, in my gaze: his warmth of understanding has reawakended each sensitive synapse... forbidden, yet I can’t help loving him Her eyes shine wide, glowing out love's release, passions, once alive near unrelenting, well to the surface, in a flood of senses now overflowing ecstacy's edge; yet they will be subdued again – but never forgotten.


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Terence Gold Star Member Offline in an English country garden ... Posts: 900 Joined: Mar 15^th, 2006	Re: Ethere Reply #9 - Sep 14^th, 2007 at 7:26am	Print Post
	Hi Daniel, You have challenged me with your suggestion; perhaps you could give me a hint at the word you have in mind? 'raw' kinda fits, though not a noun. Help? Hi Tim, Not that you suggest it but I think one half is a bit more lackluster than the other, not having been in those shoes. I'll have to find a co-writer the next time. Thanks for your thoughts, Terence


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Tim Supreme Member Offline Posts: 4134 Location: near dusk with a halo of gnats Joined: Nov 3^rd, 2005	Re: Ethere Reply #8 - Sep 12^th, 2007 at 8:44am	Print Post
	Hello All You Poets. Some magical work here, too. From Ren, that goes without saying...I like the visual comparison of the tunnel and the clouds...that's beautiful. Terence: your work with both sides of love is inspiring in itself. Esp. working honestly from either gender. Daniel: Thank you for working the ground here and turning up the occasional flower. Your poem on love is very touching...and more than I can bear, lol. Excellent, I'm off to go create my addition. ~Tim


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Terence Gold Star Member Offline in an English country garden ... Posts: 900 Joined: Mar 15^th, 2006	Re: Ethere Reply #7 - Sep 12^th, 2007 at 7:33am	Print Post
	Hi Daniel, Thanks for that good suggestion. I just sneaked this in quietly as I haven't been very active lately. This was a quick write that needs some more work - too many 'his's in S1 and a bit cliche in places, imo - so I appreciate your reply. Terence


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Just_Daniel Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr Posts: 8989 Location: South West New Jersey Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Terence Terrific... Reply #6 - Sep 11^th, 2007 at 4:09pm	Print Post
	Excellent work in my view, T! ... and a double to boot! The only thing that I might suggest considering a change for is S2L8... ending on 'the' kinda has an edge to it, methinks. I think you can think of an adjective that might also serve as a noun that might stop the thought and then wrap it right back into the next line. Whatcha think? deLighting in your sharing this, Daniel 8)


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Terence Gold Star Member Offline in an English country garden ... Posts: 900 Joined: Mar 15^th, 2006	Re: Ethere Reply #5 - Sep 10^th, 2007 at 1:35pm	Print Post
	That one night He lies there, smiling sweetly, resplendent in his manliness; his mysteries dissolving, slowly, in my gaze. His understanding and warmth have reawakened all my sensitivities. Though forbidden, I can’t help loving him Her eyes shine with the glow of love released. Passions, once alive and unrelenting, now resurfacing in a flood of senses overflowing the edges of ecstasy; only to be subdued again – but never forgotten.


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Just_Daniel Topic Starter Supreme Member Offline Slow down; things will go faster. ~ djr Posts: 8989 Location: South West New Jersey Joined: Aug 2^nd, 2003	Free Love Reply #4 - Aug 21^st, 2007 at 10:57am	Print Post
	Ethereally stated, Ren! You've stirred me to write another. Thanks! Free Love Can someone demonstrate that he has love apart from actions? He'll not ask one thing in return for what he gives but good for the one receiving though the recipient yet hate him despite everything that will be given. _{© MLee Dickens'son 21 Aug 2007}


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